jani
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Post by jani on Jul 26, 2016 2:39:08 GMT
Found this and hope it helps someone. I have had the identical thoughts many times since estrangement. Parents of estranged adults: Declaring Independence 2016 by Sheri McGregor, M.A. After my son became estranged, one of his close high school friends died in a car accident. At one point, she’d been a daily fixture in our home, like a part of our family. Her death hit me hard. My family and I attended a memorial fundraiser, and as we sat at a table among the crowd, I fought back tears. Family and friends of this young woman who had touched so many lives gathered to show support and grieve. That day, I had intended to approach her family and offer condolences, but I was too torn up. My despair over my son’s estrangement mixed with sadness over the death of this beautiful young person whose life had been cut short. On that day, I found myself thinking that the pain of estrangement, with its intentional hurt and uncertainty for the future, was worse than that of death. In some ways, it’s true. This young adult daughter didn’t choose to leave the people who loved her. Her family didn’t feel the sting of rejection. And with a death, there’s an outpouring of empathy. Others understand the grief. The parents aren’t usually speculated about and judged the way parents of estranged adult children often are. With death, sadness is expected. People allow and encourage grief. With estrangement, the loss is just as significant and painful, yet it can feel as if we have no right to mourn. Wishes for my estranged son: Wishes for all my children Parents of estranged adults: Declaring Independence 2016 by Sheri McGregor, M.A. While I know the horrible ambiguity of loss through estrangement, taking charge of my feelings has helped me leave the pain behind–and move forward for my own good. While my estranged son is living his life without me and the rest of his family, at least he has life—-the gift I have him through birth. I nurtured him into adulthood. I provided kindness, support, and love. While it’s true that our relationship is not as I once expected (in fact there is no relationship), the last I knew, he was happy. Like most parents, my most ardent wish for all five of my children has always been their happiness. I know the shocking blow of an adult child’s rejection. I know the difficulty in accepting an estranged child’s unthinkable choice. I know the pain in letting go. But in the end, my estranged son made his own choices about the life I freely gave him. And I could make a choice to do what was best for me. Declaring Independence On this Independence Day holiday, 2016, declare your own independence—from old dreams, and expectations that, at least for the moment, are not in your power to achieve. Just as those who founded America faced unknowns in pursuit of happiness, take heart. Bolster your courage. Have faith that there is a new and wonderful life for you ahead. Love and hope can remain, but be determined for your own well-being as you escape the tyranny of sadness and pain. You can declare your independence. Look to the horizon of your future with an optimistic dream. Make plans for your own happiness. Take the helm in your beautiful life ahead. For more specific ways to take charge of your feelings, declare independence, and move forward in your own life, get my book: Done With The Crying: Help and Healing for Mothers of Estranged Adult Children. www.rejectedparents.net/estranged-son-declaring-independence-2016/ |
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Post by difficulttime2 on Jul 26, 2016 3:55:37 GMT
Thanks for posting. The pain of estrangement can be so deep and so exhausting ... After a while, (and it's been 6 years for me), it's the pain you go back and visit from time to time, but you know you can't live there. Stay in the present and moving forward as much as you can, knowing you will have triggers and have 'get up' again and again.... It's such an individual journey.
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Post by topiarystepmom on Jul 26, 2016 14:47:00 GMT
I disagree with this post. Estrangement can be painful - but it can NOT be compared to losing a child. NEVER! That lady who wrote it should take it to the parents who lost their daughter. They would probably want to punch her in the face ( as I just had the urge to do). It's like comparing getting a hangnail to losing an arm or leg. I would trade NEVER having had had ANYTHING to do with our EC or their children just to have our youngest - who died - with us.
You can get over an estrangement - but you can NEVER get over a death!
And to those people who would tell me to "get over it" or that it "gets better", I would just say - talk is cheap! Go through it first, then get back to me with those stupid and useless platitudes!
Believe me - y'all - There IS NO comparison between walking away from a scumbag EC and watching them lower your beautiful daughter into the ground!!
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jani
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Post by jani on Jul 26, 2016 15:30:02 GMT
Topi, Looking at it from your viewpoint changes my mind. Never experiencing a child's death as I know you have I cannot imagine the loss. I guess I was selfishly looking at my situation and trying to find an escape from my pain. I surely wasn't trying to minimize parents that have experienced the death of a child. Sorry,,,
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 26, 2016 16:29:02 GMT
please delete
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Post by topiarystepmom on Jul 26, 2016 16:58:40 GMT
Sorry for your loss Cautious - Funny - it seems like only a few years after our daughter died, we walked away from the other one (our ES had chosen his fate the year before our youngest passed.
Jani - no apologies are necessary - I just hate when people who have never lost a child make that comparison. Cautious said "The real loss, the forever loss was our deceased child.". ANd she was right - there is nothing that feels like that. Death isn't a choice someone makes because they are pissed or insulted or whatever else causes estrangement - Death is random, it can not negotiate or consider the feelings of others. And it is FOREVER!
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Post by topiarystepmom on Jul 26, 2016 19:16:24 GMT
Exactly - Maybe because the term "life is too short" becomes that much more meaningful
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Post by difficulttime2 on Jul 26, 2016 21:54:46 GMT
Topi, I'm so sorry for your loss.
I also lost a daughter to death, so I understand how hard it is to see them be buried and understand that pain.
For ME though in some ways the estrangement of my ED was a more difficult grief to handle in multiple ways because my daughter who died did nothing wrong ... she didn't choose to leave me and her actions didn't cause me pain and sorrow, she didn't make the choice to leave ... she died and so my pain, it was all about missing her, loving her, and having to say goodbye way too early.
With my ED, it was her choice and her foolishness that in some bizarre way has caused me more grief and sorrow than the physical death of my daughter ever did ... estrangement, it's a living death because I'm forbidden to see her, reach out and touch her or talk to her.
Also, I have the comfort of knowing where my daughter who died is and I know I will see her again. I don't necessarily have that assurance in my heart with my ED. Also, with my ED her actions of calling the police on me and making a completely fabricated and false report was/is such an offense against me as her mother and she hurt me in a way my deceased daughter never can or ever will.
IMHO, I don't know about any comparison ... of losses, death to estrangement, it's all painful and we all feel the loss and grieve them in our own and very personal ways. HUGS TO ALL WHO ARE GOING THROUGH ANY LOSS OR TRAGEDY, WHETHER PHYSICAL DEATH OR ESTRANGEMENT ... it's all so very painful and exhausting to grieve.
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Post by astlyr on Jul 27, 2016 2:45:18 GMT
I'm sorry to hear of each of your losses. I can't imagine losing a child to death. That is one of my biggest fears, to lose any of them. It seems out of the natural order to have a child pass first.
I am reading Sheri McGregor's book right now and it is enlightening. I don't agree with everything, but it has put a few more things in perspective for me, even when I don't agree. It's a decent read.
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Post by topiarystepmom on Jul 27, 2016 17:52:23 GMT
Ah yes - the bargaining/panicking mode - and in our case, the entire family also meeting to make a decision to remove life support - such memories - and people wonder why we ultimately broke away?
I envy the belief of an ultimate reunion one day. The only thing my experience left me with was first, a questioning, and then a flat out disbelief in God. For me, the concept of leaving things in Gods hands, or thinking everything that happens is God's will, is nothing more than just bunch of lovely stories.
I really hope I am wrong - especially for the sake of all those who do believe. But I have to tell you - believing in all the mystical, it is meant to be and we will meet again in heaven stuff is, for me, like believing that Santa Claus will come down the chimney and leave me just what I want for Xmas.
And don't think that it was just our daughter dying that changed my beliefs - nope - it is all those kids getting shot both by the police and each other. All those people who are sick, all who starve, who live in fear and terror. It is those who are driven from their homelands - only to arrive in places that do not want to turn them away. It is all the self absorption and the myriad of horrid ways people treat each other. It is all the corruption, all the pain.
Although people will cite free will as the reason, I think that if a God really existed, He or She would certainly be looking to provide a little comfort or safe haven to those in such great need and terrible circumstance.
I do believe in the universe, in science and in an evolution of man - I think our evolution is moving too slow to stop our extinction. I think that within our evolution, our brains will ultimately be unable to catch up with our emotional and physical need and therefore, we will destroy the environment that provides us sustenance necessary for our very existence.
In the end, it may actually be the belief in a God that becomes our undoing - as more and more people decide the only way to force the belief of THEIR God on others is to try and destroy them (and what they love). Wouldn't it be bizarre if, after all that bloodshed and grief, we found out that no Gods existed for any of us? That would indeed be the ultimate irony.
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Post by difficulttime2 on Jul 27, 2016 22:02:41 GMT
I think I understand where you're coming from Topiary and I understand what you're saying. I hear ya and my sincerest and heartfelt hope for you and anyone who has suffered the death of a loved one, is that they would be comforted and have peace. I experienced the death of my daughter long before my other one estranged. Another thing that really got to me was that I foolishly thought that once this terrible thing had already happened, surely I wouldn't be 'struck by lightning' twice in my life. I'd already suffered such a tragedy I thought nothing else horrible would happen in my life ... boy was I wrong and so the estrangement thing completely blindsided me and knocked me down and left me curled up in the fetal position ... ugh....
Cautious: I am so sorry for your loss and for the pain and torment of it all. Death of a loved one sucks, loss sucks, all of it ... I'm so sorry.
Hugs to you both, anytime you have let go of a loved one thru death, you have truly suffered.
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Post by topiarystepmom on Jul 27, 2016 22:22:37 GMT
Thanks Diff - You know, I didn't think our ED and ES would be that insensitive - I thought they would want to work to bring what remained of us together -
Our ED realized we would never deal with her biological mother again - We had had enough of her (and everything else - actually) at our daughter's funeral - We refused to be in the same room with her again - I guess this was too much for the ED - but tough shit - there is just so much bullshit one can swallow and both my husband and I were at maximum capacity by the time the death had taken place.
btw - I took a peek at the new Christian Parents site here and saw your post about PWWA - Thank you!
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Post by difficulttime2 on Jul 28, 2016 5:54:50 GMT
I so relate ... My ED lived through seeing us lose her baby sister, and yet could do this to me and the whole family ... I get the magnitude of how not only insensitive the EC's can be, but how downright cruel. I could have never have even in my wildest dreams ever imagine she would do this to her family, especially after living thru such family tragedy as the loss of an immediate family member ... but she did. I will never understand it, and I'm not sure I want to.
So, yes Topi, what you said resonates ... one would think that "they would want to work to bring what remained of us together" ... but they don't do they? Beyond cruel, so we move on, it is what it is.
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Post by topiarystepmom on Jul 28, 2016 14:02:44 GMT
But I got our ED good - right where she lives (her ego). After she gave her father that final rash of shit, I wrote her a letter and in it I told her:
"We’ve always wondered what made you and Y (our ES)so mean-spirited; void of kindness and empathy…Guess we will never know. Z seemed to skip that gene. Your father loved and supported all of you the best he could. So did I. Z (our daughter who died) always seemed to bask in our love for her, while you (and Y) just seem repelled by it. You should have been honest with us X (our ED), at least we can respect Y – he wants nothing to do with his father and me and so he walks the walk. Your behavior towards us is just disingenuous. It is unfair to treat people who love you that way and it is disconcerting to us that you cannot seem to see this."
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Post by alfreda on Jul 29, 2016 16:23:00 GMT
I think the difference is that when one loses a loved one there is a lot of support, sympathy and empathy whereas with estrangement NADA as you go through the grieving process, however I don't think it's good to compare. They are different, and while it's bad enough to go through a living loss, I just can't even begin to imagine how horrible it would be lose a child.
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