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Post by ginateresa on Jan 5, 2018 22:08:56 GMT
Hello all.
My daughter (who isn't exactly estranged yet) is pregnant. She's only 18. Some feel that she may have done it on purpose. I need to stay away from her as she is toxic to me, but I am torn because of my new
grandson who will arrive in February.
I know some of you have already been through this experience and am hoping for advice or any input from those who have been through this.
I know you don't know much of my situation, but even though she is fairly young, she has been manipulating and emotionally abusing people for quite some time.
Anyway, how can I handle this with such an unpredictable young mother and how do I protect myself from her wrath in the meantime??
Thanks for any words you can provide.
ginateresa
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Post by treatedlikedirt on Jan 6, 2018 13:35:58 GMT
I dont have advice to offer but I know how you feel. My daughter has been toxic since the age of 17. She has put me through a living nightmare. She is now 23 and Ive walked away this time for good. The problem is now my husband who has been sneaking behind my back to have a relationship
with her.
I also have two grandchildren Ive had to leave behind. You could take her to court for grandparents rights.
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Post by topiarystepmom on Jan 6, 2018 21:48:57 GMT
Not for nothing, but WHO gets pregnant on purpose at 18? Grandparents rights will only make it worse...you will be involved with her all the time. Want to stay away from her toxicity? Then STAY AWAY...If not, be prepared to deal with an never ending stream of bullshit sourced from a perpetual supply of stupidity.
It is not easy but it ultimately comes down to you or her...your choice!
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Post by chickensoup on Jan 12, 2018 23:48:17 GMT
My ED was pregnant and had her first child this year. The child is not my grandchild. It was evident that I would not be included. My reaching out was rebuffed.
She is not really my daughter.
I will not in any way insert my self in the child's life.
I was used as a child and a battering ram between my mother and my grandmother. No child should go through that. And my ED is that big a bully.
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Post by treatedlikedirt on Jan 13, 2018 0:35:09 GMT
I can relate to that chickensoup. I searched on Amazon to see if I could find any books that helps parents who are in this situation. I want to read, "Done with the crying: Help and healing for mothers of estranged adult children." by Sheri McGregor.
I was in therapy today and mentioned to my therapist that I feel like I'm going through a grieving process which he said was normal. My problem is that the medication I'm on causes memory loss. In the past I've reached out to her and I consider that a weakness on my part because she NEVER changes!!! My therapist told me to write everything in a diary and keep a log so I can go back to it and remember why I need to keep her out of my life.
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Post by topiarystepmom on Jan 13, 2018 23:22:03 GMT
Instead of looking upon contacting your ED as a weakness, why not look at it as a reluctance to give up? Reframing what you do and why you do it can make a world of difference in how you feel about the things you do. And just so you know, we all have weaknesses - Love often makes people do stupid things - things that can eventually make them wonder WHY they would ever have done them in the first place. Please don't admonish yourself for loving the people in your life. If anything, you should be admonishing THEM for hurting you in the first place!
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Post by chickensoup on Jan 21, 2018 0:48:51 GMT
I keep a diary to track and remind me how I got here.
It helps me remember "how did I get from doting mother to hated mother."
They weren't worth it, frankly.
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Post by chickensoup on Jan 21, 2018 0:49:12 GMT
Part of my diary is posted here.
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Post by daisymae on May 21, 2018 20:19:59 GMT
Oh my goodness, I can so relate! My 20 y/o daughter just found out she is pregnant and as I suspected, basically admitted it was on purpose. She has given me hell since a preteen. Expelled from school, then dropping out, in the juvenile justice system, YDC. It got so bad, I put her in a group home for 4 mos as a teenager. Drugs. Then at 17 her first adult arrest and her last stint in jail for 2.5 mos. I let her come back home because she gave me this song and dance in jail how she had changed, blah blah blah. I kicked her out of the house first at age 18. Stupidly, I have let her back in a couple of times since then, after her coercing and manipulating me. She won't clean up after herself, doesn't obey my rules, cusses me and is totally disrespectful, and continues to use drugs (just a small example of things that have happened over the years). I was going to let her stay until the end of the year, but this pregnancy thing happened which just adds to everything else. I told her the beginning of May she would have to leave by June 1. Our relationship has been so toxic and I just can't stand to breathe the same air! There is so much hurt and disappointment and negativity and to be honest, yes I hold a grudge for all the things she has said and done to me. She pushes my buttons, intentionally. I can't control what comes out of my mouth to her and I've said just as horrible of things to her. So much regret too. Back to the pregnancy...I told both my girls if they were ever foolish enough to get pregnant, they were gone (and this is the 2nd pregnancy for this one, fortunately, the first ended in miscarriage). I've been a single parent the majority of their lives and I'm done with kids. I've raised mine and damn sure aren't going to raise a grandchild or listen to the crying, screaming, etc as I work full time (and did work a part time job as well for 3 years). Anyway, last night we got into it, she told me she wasn't leaving June 1, I would have to evict her. She also said if she wasn't pregnant, she would beat my ass. Proceeded to throw a phone at the wall (near me I will say), then tried to grab my phone and take it from me. Needless to say, I called the police (how many times now??) They told me that yes, I WILL have to legally evict her!! I have to spend my hard-earned money to get this child, that to be quite honest I want nothing to do with, out of my house!!! I don't want anything to do with her, and I don't want anything to do with her child until I can get along with her. I need time to heal, if that's even possible. I need to be away from the toxicity. I love her only because she is my child, but honestly, all seem to feel anymore towards her is hate. And I will evict her if it comes down to it, whether she has a place to go or not. My sanity is on the line for real. Is this horrible of me? I wish I could change how I feel, but so many years....I just need to walk away.
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Post by treatedlikedirt on May 21, 2018 21:57:12 GMT
Im so sorry your having to deal with this. You have my sympathy. It sounds like you’ve been through hell and back. I have even considered getting an apartment just to get away! She needs to be evicted. You do not have to put up with her disrespectful behavior. Every state is different as far as eviction rules. Its hard, but there needs to be consequences. I hope she has a girl. Give it time. Revenge is sweet. 👍
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