New, hurting, and finally deciding to do something about it
Dec 30, 2017 11:28:59 GMT
chickensoup likes this
Post by shandra on Dec 30, 2017 11:28:59 GMT
First, I am so THANKFUL to find this place that I don't know what to do. It's been a very rough time for me and I can no longer reasonably justify the treatment I'm receiving. I can't quite bring myself to lay it "all" out here just yet, but I can summarize:
- raised child as a single parent; had NO life of my own, worked 2 full time jobs (3-5 years of that time are, to this day, blurry)
- defended child from bi-polar/schizophrenic father (child is not mentally ill, but does suffer from anxiety)
- available 24/7/365 to child through adulthood, in particular, late night calls to "talk them down" from anxiety attacks because they refuse to get help
- throughout, child is AWOL except when they need something
- child plays a game of "I want to visit (oh, no, sorry, something came up) for YEARS
- child actually agrees to move to hometown (actually does move in with me) only to move out (and in with a significant other JUST MET) within a month
- child marries S.O. 6 months after meeting them (2013) - sets marriage date for the day after my birthday
- child refuses to allow any involvement in wedding
- child refuses to allow me to be present for birth of 1st grandchild
- child refuses to even tell me about the birth of 2nd grandchild; forwards photos ON TWITTER
- child verbally abusive by social media and text/SMS to the point I have to change my number and block them on social media
- six months of peace before email cajoling is returned
- three months of back and forth emails, culminating in the following statements (quoting):
It's as if they are unable to remember anything good (there was SO MUCH good) and I'm constantly being held to some fairy-tale standard of "family" that, apparently, now they've "found".... so I'm un-necessary, redundant, etc.
I'm tired of feeling sub-par, mostly because I know I'm not, but also because I feel I shouldn't have to beg to be included, cared for, honored, and loved.
I'm realizing I'm NEVER going to have the affection and closeness I need from my child. And I'm also realizing that, if I'm not really careful, I'm going to let this sieve away what remaining time and potential for delight in life that I have.
I've set filters on my email now to just mark any future items "read" and put them in an archival folder.
I'm going to be packing up "family" photos and such to ship them to their spouse's place of work (since child stealth moved in 2013 and has refused to let me know where they live ever since).
Child's last "conditions" to me were essentially that I must "become" more like the "new family" which, clearly, is idolized and preferred. As if I, a single parent, could possibly wave a wand and create this.
I'm tired of being condemned and judged for not being perfect. I was good enough that they are healthy, happy, married, breeding, college educated, and functional in the world.... by my book, I wasn't perfect, but damn it, I was good and certainly "good enough".
My response to that quote (above) was simple: "That set of thoughts explains a lot to me. Thank you for that."
And now, in all likelihood, I shall "Poe" myself on with life (Nevermore).
But I'm not going to lie, I can't sleep, my health is suffering (co-morbid inflammatory issues greatly exacerbated by stress), and I cry all the time. Hell, I'm crying now. But it's an angry cry. I don't deserve this, I can't get through to them, it's an impasse, and it becomes clear that it's up to me to own my happiness and, to that end, move on.
So... I guess here's to a 2018 that is happier. Part of that reality-making is being here... so here I am.
- raised child as a single parent; had NO life of my own, worked 2 full time jobs (3-5 years of that time are, to this day, blurry)
- defended child from bi-polar/schizophrenic father (child is not mentally ill, but does suffer from anxiety)
- available 24/7/365 to child through adulthood, in particular, late night calls to "talk them down" from anxiety attacks because they refuse to get help
- throughout, child is AWOL except when they need something
- child plays a game of "I want to visit (oh, no, sorry, something came up) for YEARS
- child actually agrees to move to hometown (actually does move in with me) only to move out (and in with a significant other JUST MET) within a month
- child marries S.O. 6 months after meeting them (2013) - sets marriage date for the day after my birthday
- child refuses to allow any involvement in wedding
- child refuses to allow me to be present for birth of 1st grandchild
- child refuses to even tell me about the birth of 2nd grandchild; forwards photos ON TWITTER
- child verbally abusive by social media and text/SMS to the point I have to change my number and block them on social media
- six months of peace before email cajoling is returned
- three months of back and forth emails, culminating in the following statements (quoting):
I know what family should look like now bc I have some amazing examples to look up to (my in-laws have been married 40+ years with 4 awesome offspring).
I know exactly how it feels (it’s lovely) and how it should be (non-toxic) and I’m in the process of working toward that with you right now (communication heavy).
I know exactly how it feels (it’s lovely) and how it should be (non-toxic) and I’m in the process of working toward that with you right now (communication heavy).
It's as if they are unable to remember anything good (there was SO MUCH good) and I'm constantly being held to some fairy-tale standard of "family" that, apparently, now they've "found".... so I'm un-necessary, redundant, etc.
I'm tired of feeling sub-par, mostly because I know I'm not, but also because I feel I shouldn't have to beg to be included, cared for, honored, and loved.
I'm realizing I'm NEVER going to have the affection and closeness I need from my child. And I'm also realizing that, if I'm not really careful, I'm going to let this sieve away what remaining time and potential for delight in life that I have.
I've set filters on my email now to just mark any future items "read" and put them in an archival folder.
I'm going to be packing up "family" photos and such to ship them to their spouse's place of work (since child stealth moved in 2013 and has refused to let me know where they live ever since).
Child's last "conditions" to me were essentially that I must "become" more like the "new family" which, clearly, is idolized and preferred. As if I, a single parent, could possibly wave a wand and create this.
I'm tired of being condemned and judged for not being perfect. I was good enough that they are healthy, happy, married, breeding, college educated, and functional in the world.... by my book, I wasn't perfect, but damn it, I was good and certainly "good enough".
My response to that quote (above) was simple: "That set of thoughts explains a lot to me. Thank you for that."
And now, in all likelihood, I shall "Poe" myself on with life (Nevermore).
But I'm not going to lie, I can't sleep, my health is suffering (co-morbid inflammatory issues greatly exacerbated by stress), and I cry all the time. Hell, I'm crying now. But it's an angry cry. I don't deserve this, I can't get through to them, it's an impasse, and it becomes clear that it's up to me to own my happiness and, to that end, move on.
So... I guess here's to a 2018 that is happier. Part of that reality-making is being here... so here I am.
