Thoughts about the Past with an Estranged Family

My Diary
June 2009  Sent
Dear Rotten Daughter,
Hope you are well and have had a good second semester. I see that first Fiancee has graduated and hope you had a successful and fun visit with his family.

A couple of months ago when I asked your father why I could not have a successful relationship with you he stated that perhaps you really did not wish to sustain a relationship with me, therefore when things go awry between us, they became very tough for you. The thought that you never wanted a relationship with me had never even entered my mind. The thought of not having a sustained and lifelong relationship with you was and is heartbreaking. I had always thought that at some point our relationship would resolve and we would be able to find a common thread and I would enjoy a sideline Mother’s Seat in what would be your very busy and fruitful life.
I have thought long and hard about the fact that you might not want much to do with me. I think I need to change but a portion certainly rests within your constant, entrenched, bitter anger over past issues between us that we have had that have never resolved. I can try to behave differently and say different things but I cannot change your angry heart. Only you can move those rocks, and only, as your father says, if you want to. Thus, I have decided that the tenor and future of our relationship is not mine to determine. I do not have control here and I will abide with whatever kind of relationship or non-relationship your want to have with me. I love you, whether you find me difficult or toxic or maddening, and I will always treasure what we have had over the years. I hope that we can come to a common or at least, cordial, ground.
In the meantime, I do not want you to think that I have anything to hold over your head. The only things of value that I have that belong to you; I have enclosed here, your adoption information. I have enclosed everything that I have saved from your actual adoption. I have kept it all in the safety deposit box all these years. I have no copies. Enclosed are all the letters your birthmother wrote as well as all the paperwork we were given. I wish you the best in your relationship with The Birthmother. She is a sweet and caring woman and her letters and concerns about you are touching. I have not put anything in order…I am becoming increasingly disorganized…but I am sure you will be able to tease the progression of the letters out.

The agency has moved over the years. Your birthmother’s social worker can get you both in touch with each other and with her family. There is even information on the Internet if you are interested in finding your birth half- sister who is about three years old than you are. I have also included all the letters we sent to your birthmother as well as your home-school report cards. I thought that at some point you might enjoy looking at them or putting this all in some sort of album. I would be happy to answer any and all of your questions about the items and information.
I will also send along your backroom memory boxes to your father’s with Rotten Daughter II. Again, I do not want to be seen as an agent of difficulty or prevention in your life. I thought that someday you might enjoy sharing them with your own family. Some of it might be meaningless to you but you can sort it though and make of it what you will.
You are an adult now, with freedom and grace. I wish you the best and believe it or not, in my own small, weird way, I love you tremendously and I am very proud of you.
With love,
Mom

       August 17, 2010
Dear Rotten Daughter,
I wish you a good life.
You made it clear that you were not interested in having a relationship with me as an adult, and would not even talk to me about it. For this I am sorry, you were my first child and I loved you with a passion that I didn’t even understand. I had been sorry that you could not/would not talk with me.

I understand that you had lied about our relationship and my behaviors; anything for you to make yourself the center of attention. I was not the perfect mother, but I did my best. I loved you profoundly and saw you falling into selfishness and narcissism. It was difficult to watch.

Believe it or not, I was not responsible for your successes and failures and the self-centered picture you have of yourself. Not one was, except you.

When I realized that you were blaming your birthmother, me, your boyfriend, and your body for all the things that went wrong with you…I realized that you were not able to have a relationship with any clarity. I began to understand why your roommate at Washington became so upset and angry. She was sick of being used too. Your only relationships could be about you, your clothes, your thoughts and your life. Somehow you have mistaken style for class.

I tried to reach out and repair our relationship and I found that you were only interested in what you could get or use from me. You showed up superficially and dutifully to get gifts for holidays and your birthdays. But you wouldn’t give me the time of day during the rest of the year; being around you made me feel like a used tissue.

You did not even return my call when I asked you to return my book that you did not illustrate, and did not even provide me the courtesy of saying that you didn’t want to do it. It really didn’t matter that you couldn’t/wouldn’t do the book, it was a thought and a way to connect and help you help yourself. It was your choice. Your lack of courtesy when you didn’t, for the umpteenth time, return my phone call said it all.

Leave the other children alone and do not sponge off of them. Stop trying to use them, manipulate them or blame them. They have not been perfect children, nor had I been a perfect mother to them, but they have been realistic and despite all our faults and all the difficulties, we have loved each other. It was two-sided. I have left you out of my will because you are difficult to deal with and I wanted to protect the children from having to cope with your self-centeredness and lies.

I guess I really wasn’t your mother.

The Woman Who Raised You




31 December 2010

Dear Rotten Daughter,

You have sent a gift to me that was apparently put together with some thought for a busy woman and comfort. That was very kind.

However, it is not necessary. To receive a gift from you, a daughter who actively maintains a broken relationship with me, who doesn’t speak for me for seven months or more at a time, who cannot even get out of the car and say a polite hello when she delivers the children from an event, and who has no interest in our lives here, well, a gift from you seems to be a farce and a ploy to access my generous gift purse. I have called your bluff.

I reached out over a year ago and sent you a letter about our relationship and you didn’t even have the courtesy to reply. That non-reply has told me what I need to know about our relationship. It confirms what your father stated: that you do not want to maintain a relationship with me. That is your choice.

The sad joke is that for years you start getting friendly around Thanksgiving and usually stop connecting right after you have received your birthday present in January. Talk about using people! Talk about being obvious! Poor Ian got away from you just in time. I wanted to tell the poor sod that he was lucky and that he certainly ducked a bullet.

I want you to understand this: I invited you to our Thanksgiving not because I particularly wanted you but because you are related to the other children and when I asked, they though you should receive an invitation. I invited you for them, not for you. Our conversation was distant, superficial and cordial, and that is just where it should be given the backbiting and lies you have spewed and that surround the relationship. I expect to be seeing you at other family functions such as weddings and funerals. I will be cordial. But I have nothing else to give you.

I am aware to some extent, of the role I play in your life as the “monster” and of the untrue things you have said to the children and others about me. I am not interested in continuing an unrealistic relationship with you. You are a splitter of people, a user, and manipulator. Quite frankly, your actions and your life matter little to me. You are drama-ridden. Your drugs and alcohol-soaked life that you display so proudly proves that you lack class. You are an embarrassment to the entire family. Fortunately, we Ex-Husband’t see you very often.

I had hoped for the day that our relationship would be restored to a better place. As I have told you in past letters it was in your court. It requires communication and truth. I no longer think you are capable of that higher level of emotional functioning.

I really wasn’t your mother. And your father? He is not really your father, he is an enabler, meeting his needs at your expense.
The Woman Who Raised You






April 24, 2011 Easter Sunday

To Good Son and Mentally Ill Daughter:

A friend sent me Rotten Daughter's post during our time together. I think I would rather pass on doing anything else with her for a long time. Her whining loneliness is about getting attention and is all about her. She didn't seem to want to be with us, she wanted a free meal and some attention or diversion. I Ex-Husband't think I need to take care of her again. I try to make it a policy not to be used, financially or emotionally.
Anymore

Rotten Daughter
Is it true that all girls eventually become their mothers? There are many wonderful mothers in this world, but as for me, I pray the answer to that question is: HELL NO. Happy Easter...
To A Friend Who Warned Me About Rotten Daughter:
So I get out of work this afternoon and drive back home. I am taking the children to a favorite restaurant of Good Son's and he asked his sister Rotten Daughter along. I have made it my policy that if the children want her for an event, I acquiesce. She didn't start her eye rolling until the last third of the trip.
So while we were driving home the bitch posts this to her FB.
Haven't seen her since Thanksgiving, and didn't even get a thank you for the meal.
I was graceful all the way, but that was the last straw.
The Woman Who Raised Her


August 20, 2011 when Rotten Daughter wanted her brother to trade my big bad truck with Good Son so she could use my trailer to pull around dirt bikes.

Dear Rotten Daughter,
Well another piece of you in my life. You want your brother to become good friends with your playmate. Great. And you want them to go dirt biking together with you. Somehow you think that I should inconvenience myself in any way for your plans. I am afraid not.

Your plans are your business, and there is nothing that I will ever do to lift a finger to make anything you want a reality. Sorry. Not in the picture, ever. What you want is no longer on my agenda. You want to play with your brother and his toys? Arrange the transportation yourself. I know that you are trying to split the entire family away from me. Frankly, I do not care. Although I love Rotten Daughter II, Good Son and Mentally Ill Daugher who tries to stay connected, what they choose is their business. And what they choose will not appreciably change my future.





January 2012 FaceBook by Rotten Daughter
“I'm a very lucky girl to be accepted for who I am by those I care about.
Because I can be..."trying" at times, but thankfully, I know many forgiving folk. We can't always be everything to everyone, but those that are willing to endure us at our worst will be blessed by us at our best.”
Translated:
I only care for those who put up with my shit.
I am a pain in the ass at times but people forgive me. I deserve forgiving for when I am nice, I am very very nice.
Of course it is all my call.
Screw anyone who can't manage my agenda. Because it is all about me.

23 January 2012

Just heard you are telling people that Ian beat you. What other lies are you telling?
I know you lie about me, I know you lie about old friends. What else?


June 14, 2012 10.41pm  Rotten Daughter:
Hi Mom, sorry so late, I just wanted to tell you that I am engaged, as of this afternoon. I would be great if sometime you would meet Rotten Daughter’s Husband and his family, they would all like to meet you. We can make plans later if you are up to it.

June 14, 2012 10.43pm
Rotten Daughter? Congratulations. It would be nice to meet your young man. Best to you both

June 14, 2012 10.45pm
Yep, its me. Ok, we can make plans later, no rush. And thank you, I am very lucky.

June 14, 2012 10.47pm
Ok

June 15, 2012 4.54pm
Hey mom! So the The Rotten Daughter’s Ineffectual In-Laws want to have an engagement party on Sunday the 24th in the afternoon or late afternoon. Are you free?

June 15, 2012 4.59pm
Idk

June 15, 2012 5,01pm
Well if you are free, let me know. Dad and Rotten Daughter II are going and hopefully Mentally Ill Daugher who tries to stay connected can be dragged away from Bizarre Event. And I have not asked Good Son yet but I am sure he will jump at the chance to hang out with in-laws again.

June 15, 2012 5.02pm
Okay

June 15, 2012 5.29pm
Now that I am no longer driving I can give your question full attention. I thought that you were looking for collaboration in setting a date for the party. It sounds like plans are set. I am working of course and have after work plans. I would try to adjust them if possible. However, where do the The Rotten Daughter’s Ineffectual In-Laws live? I am not sure that I could attend in time.

June 15, 2012 6.18pm
The Rotten Daughter’s Ineffectual In-Laws live almost exactly 2 hours away from your house And plans are still open, I am just checking with everyone to see if they can make it.

June 15, 2012 6.25pm
Mentally Ill Daughter who tries to stay connected is tied up and I am working three days that weekend. With some notice and on my two day weekend I might get part of a day off and bring Mentally Ill Daughter who tries to stay connected and Good Son. Perhaps after the kids discuss this with their father.

June 15, 2012 6.30pm
When is your next two day weekend?

June 15, 2012 4.54pm
The 29th but because of the holiday I would need to check if I could get afternoon coverage. The 14th weekend and the 27th weekend

June 15, 2012 6.36pm
Ok I will check with the The Rotten Daughter’s Ineffectual In-Lawss. They very much want to meet you and it means a lot to me too.

June 15, 2012 6.39pm
Ok

June 15, 2012 6.46pm
Awesome  Mom!

So, Rotten Daughter, you contacted me after all these years to tell me that you are engaged and want me to meet your future in-laws, out of the blue, pretending to have a normal relationship. I guess you need me to fill the mother-hole these people require as they inspect you for their son. And I am presentable.

I keep thinking, is this a real opening or is it the same using that happened when The Last Fiancee’s family arrived? You then only wanted my nice house to show them, instead of your father’s primitive place. As usual, this exchange is all about you and with no insight into how anyone else might feel. I think it is another opportunity to be used by you. It is as real as it gets.

I Ex-Husband’t know whether I will actually meet these people or not. But I have honed my line to use when asked whether to contribute to this cause: I am fine with whatever Rotten Daughter and her father provide, clear, concise and to the point in a kind way. I will attend your wedding as a guest, if invited, and send a gift. That is the extent of it, for, as you have so clearly pointed out in our lives that I am not your mother. You are happy to shame me and our relationship in public by your words and how you publicly exclude me from your life. I am, to you, just a convenience, a prop.

Without reconciliation you get little to nothing from me Rotten Daughter. I spent my childhood being used and I shy from it. I am not stupid, nor am I emotional. I can recognize an emotional and financial screwing when it presents itself.

I wish you best with your marriage. Poor sod. He has no idea. Your father wants a long engagement. I Ex-Husband’t think that is a good idea, because you cannot keep up the façade for a long time. The narcissistic you will emerge, when you Ex-Husband’t get your own way and I am sure the The Rotten Daughter’s Ineffectual In-Laws family will pick up on your splitting ways over time. I hope it is different for you this time.


11.07.12
ME
Hi Rotten Daughter. Good Son's post is about Good Son, not me. I would appreciate it if you took me out of your post. This is not my issue, it is his.
Thanks

16:23
Thank you.
Rotten Daughter
His opinions are 99% your opinion which is why I said it. I know because my opinions used to be 99% yours as well (I went to a pro-Bush rally for Gods sake) but I didn’t have anyone telling me that there are others ways of thinking. There *is* a moderate place in politics, as opposed to radically left or right. There is no need to panic, and if there really was, then talk about DOING something about it, as opposed to whining on social media sites/message boards/political chat rooms. Its low class. Its like complaining about failing a test you didn’t study for.
16:30
ME:
I am afraid I Ex-Husband’t know what you are talking about. Of course young children take on the color of their parent's choices. But Good Son is not a child. He has many areas where we disagree. You have no idea of my current position on a number of political issues because after seven years, frankly and sadly, you really Ex-Husband’t know me. So lecturing about "panicking" and "whining" doesn’t really work for me. As far as Good Son's complaints, well neither of us can control him, he has certainly made that clear to me. I am sorry that you are making assumptions about me, perhaps some day you might get to know me and you will find your assumptions challenged.
In the meantime, have you finalized a wedding date and location? Your father told me that you had not finalized the location or date yet.

09.09.13
Email sent after Rotten Daughter's wedding. I gave her a gift of 300 dollars.
The wedding was lovely ...and you have matured and grown into a woman well loved and honored. I would like to start over. Want to friend me on FaceBook so all my friends can see how lovely you have become?
Where will you be living? May we all have addresses?
Much love
Mom
0 no response


Interesting. The more Rotten Daughter tells me about her gastroparesis, the more it looks like anorexia. I wonder if the The Rotten Daughter’s Ineffectual In-Lawss have figured it out yet.

March 19, 2014



Dear Children,

I have been thinking about this issue for a long time and have decided to write it out. There is an alignment in our broken family that is toxic.

I have been fully extruded by the Ex Husband/Rotten Daughter alignment. Ex-Husband knows my family history and knows that I am powerless and won’t fight extrusion. Between his passive-aggression and Rotten Daughter’s years of constant spitefulness, since she was fourteen, there is no fighting this. The children want to be with each other. They need each other. They need family.

There is no meeting of all the children that occurs at my house because all celebration occurs at Ex-Husband’s with Rotten Daughter’s collusion. Rotten Daughter ignores any invitation that I provide, and names her father’s as the place for the children to meet. She holds the power here and will only show up for her father, thus time at my house cannot host the complete family. The times that there have been celebrations at my house have been artifacts for her convenience or for appearances.

I had started to try to change this and try to also have family celebrations, but I realize that there is no real fighting this situation. Rotten Daughter and Ex-Husband collude and Mentally Ill Daughter who trys to stay connected hides, Rotten Daughter II is easily manipulated, and Good Son is a scapegoat if he tries to include me. I saw how he was excluded and alone. And he remains torn, for he wants a family experience but he also wants me. He loves me enough to care about my extrusion. He is also wise enough to see it. Mentally Ill Daughter who tries to stay connected is pained, and disappears.

Good Son needs family more than he needs me. I am old and will most likely die in the next 10 to 15 years. Good Son has a long life ahead of him and needs to be and stay connected with his sisters. The only way this will happen is if he is able not to be seen as having alliances with me that are detrimental to him.

Therefore I will never intrude upon the four-child family dynamic again. It is more important for the four children to stay connected than it ever would be for me to join them. So I will embrace the extrusion and never expect or initiate anything that could be seen as a place of power-wrangling. Ex-Husband and Rotten Daughter will have their family and the good part is the others will have family too. This is better than tearing things apart demanding my needs be met.

I expect Ex-Husband will move to be near Rotten Daughter fairly soon. If he is smart he will sell his house and use proceeds to help Rotten Daughter with a down payment on a house with an apartment for him. Mentally Ill Daughter who trys to stay connected will of course go with him. Good Son will need to go too. I will find a new place to live, probably with friends. My job will be to be out of the picture.

I will have children but no family. I can live with that. I will look at other areas to live, at least part of the year. I will fill my life with other people so I will keep my neediness for family (which actually had been a theme in my life- one with which I didn’t succeed, obviously) at bay. I will, from now on, use the Rotten Daughter Wedding Defense: agreeing to whatever anyone wants and admiring all options while tactfully backing away. I will fight no more.
The Women Who Raised Them


Rotten Daughter II
December 28, 2014

Well the belated Christmas celebration is over. Got chances to see each of the children individually and make plans for the Saturday after Christmas. Had them all in for a meal of snacks and conversation. All were planning to stay for breakfast then Rotten Daughter II was too busy, Ex-Husband was planning to bring Mentally Ill Daughter who trys to stay connected back in morning for breakfast and he opted to go to church with Rotten Daughter II and took Mentally Ill Daughter who tries to stay connected. Good Son was out partying and did not show and when Rotten Daughter and Her Husband. came down stairs neither looked hungry and so I sent them on their way.

Ex-Husband always makes sure things fall apart. It is his way, in his passive aggression. The Son in law. is Ex-Husband Jr. He is anxious, and cannot meet one’s eye. He lets Rotten Daughter roll over him, and he is embarrassed and upset when she criticizes his family but just becomes physically agitated He seems nice but apparently has some problems with speech and movement. Autism? Not sure, congenital or birth defect more likely.

Rotten Daughter is a droning narcissistic bore. God, all she does is talk about herself. Constantly. She gave me a book on Italy and a sweater. I didn’t fit the sweater, I will see if it fits my Terrific Young Neighbor. I gave them a Cuisenaire Dutch Oven in cast iron and enamel, a lavender candle, a bottle of wine, case of specialty beers, and red and white dishcloths.

Rotten Daughter II gave me thirty of my dollars back as a gift card from Cabalas, an impressive and thoughtful gift that include a card without one word of personalization. I had given her a thousand that I had saved throughout the year so she would have spending money when she came home. I also gave her a necklace and two sets of earrings so she would have something to open.

Good Son gave be a book from his childhood. He is a sentimentalist and saw it and I suppose it was an emotional throw back. And he gave me ice walkers. I gave him a box of candy and a Carhartt vest with hood in green.

Mentally Ill Daughter who tries to stay connected gave me an egg poacher. I said I wanted an egg poacher and I got one. I got her several posters about cartoon characters she favors and a tee shirt of the same ilk. Thank you Sweetheart.

Update the sweater Rotten Daughter gave me was a second that she must have known would have been a second. The pattern was inside out and the collar was ripped from the sweater. Class as usual. I tossed it after trying to give it to a friend and we closely looking at it and realizing its flaws. Well, it was embarrassing, because my friend felt so sorry for me.

Email from Rotten DaughterII
Rotten Daughter II Christmas visit 2014:
I don’t know what my father said and I will talk to him about it later.

I know you have reservations, which makes it hard for me to share with you things. I feel as though you are faking your enthusiasm and you struggle to understand why I'm overseas. I know you know why, but its hard to share my heart when I know you are not all for it. Maybe that is why I tend to be more reserved.

I understand that I have a life there. But I left it knowing that I was going to start a different life here. I don't want to fully disconnect but I knew that there would be a distancing there and it is as I expected.

I do plan. I have plans. I may not always share with you because I may be afraid you wont rejoice with me or appreciate them.

Thank you once again for analyzing what I am doing.

I am spending more time here overseas. I strongly feel it is what I am called to do. Yes I may be tired sometimes, but I am doing what I love.

I am still learning and I am going to try and use my resources better this time around.

Sometimes I distance myself for fear of criticism. Which is something I seem to get often from you.

Rotten Daughter II


Well there is another conversation that didn't go the way I had hoped. I don't really want to lecture you.

I just gave you my understanding of what your father said by using his words. I have reservations about you being there, overseas, for various reasons, but as I said, I am really not in the loop. I hear second and third hand information, and do not really know what is going on.

I worry because I see you becoming isolated there and disconnected from the life you have here. I don’t think that is really what you want. You often sound lonely and isolated, yet you soldier on. You are a woman with much perseverance and not much planning. So you might want to spend some time on where you are going.

I love you.
mom

Non agreement as criticism
Disagreement as criticism
Lying and subterfuge
Omission as lying
Minimization
Blame-shifting
Need for positive reinforcement that overwhelms everything else
Lack of training
Unable to hear or take direction from others
Disrespectful
Lack of spiritual awareness
Your way or no way
Emotional drama

Email to Rotten Daughter II Never Sent.
I actually don’t want to open this up. What you don’t seem to understand is that your life is your own, and I have nothing except a relative’s interest in your life. I can listen, I can have opinions but it is your life, your body and your future. No one knows that more than I do. It is difficult to be lied to repeatedly by you. It puts me down a hole I traveled before where someone supposedly trustworthy lied repeatedly; an emotionally dangerous place for me.

It is hard not be in the loop. You say that I criticize you. I don’t think that is true. I think you take any questions or attempts to understand as criticism, and look to find fault with me. You have been blaming me for your dramas since you were 17.

You want to play keep secrets from mom? Fine. Just let me know that is the game you are playing. If you don’t want to include me in your life, fine, just let me know I am not welcome.

I find that you minimize your behaviors, statements and lack of communication, and when I question you out of a sincere need to understand you become defensive and angry. The note you just sent me is a prime example of blame-shifting instead of taking responsibility for your feelings and dealing with them. It is somehow my fault you feel bad, instead of looking at your feelings and owning them.

I found out that you were not being supported by adios 2 years into this endeavor
Both your dad and I found out that you were going to replace the missionaries last year after you left. I found out that your sending group actually isn’t doing much for you, and that you haven’t raised enough money to go there and come back. You don’t tell us because some of the things you do cannot stand light and scrutiny. God knows you cannot handle any questioning or concerns. Because you are right, always.

Rotten Daughter II you are a big needy suck pump, looking for adulation any way you can find it. That drives you to make decisions that may not be good in the long run. But they are your decisions. There is nothing sadder than a know-it all, at any age. A know it all drama queen? Not to be managed.





December 28, 2014

Rotten Daughter II. Never sent

Ever since that time I had surgery and you broke our agreement to stay with me through the weekend because I was on significant pain killers, I have not really trusted anything about you. You make everything dramatic about yourself. You are another version of your birthmother albeit with a holy aura. I remember the big deal you made when I went into the hospital ER with chest pain. Except I realized it wasn’t about me, or concern about me, it was about you getting out of work in a dramatic way, not because you care about me. I don’t expect you to be much for and to me. I have little trust for you or belief in you. You are all about Rotten Daughter II and self centered in that evangelical Christian way that assumes that others will give because it is God’s provision, not because they worked hard and made sacrifices. You are a mean-spirited fat bully. So proud to tell me about the fact you are down to 250, well last time I saw you told me you were down to 248. Your sin of gluttony is glaring.


July 30 2015 Never sent
So you tell me that you are just closer with your dad, Rotten Daughter II, and pick everything I say apart. Screw you. You have no grace.

When you moved out of the house and would not speak to me and I ran into all of you in the bank with your father and fat shit-eating grins on your faces, I knew that I was in a battle I could never win.

Good Son, you tell me that since you moved out that everything has changed and that essentially you have no time for me in your life. Well babe, you got it.




OCT 2015-12-20
Rotten Daughter stopped talking to me because she posted an insulting statement about her brother in law, whom I happen to like, I thought she might have posted it through the fog of her tiredness during 24 hours of travel and airports. I did ask her whether she was tired and recommended that she take the post down, which she did. However for this questioning of her judgment, I was blocked from her life and she has not responded to a message.





December 20 2015-12-20

I have bought presents for the three younger children. I assume my oldest and her spouse will not be joining us Christmas Day. If she comes I will continue my cordial detachment. No presents for you, bitch!

Just got a text from Rotten Daughter II who is all wound up about a friend’s illness. Self-important twit. Anyhow, she wanted to inform me that for Christmas she wanted money.
I had asked for a list a few weeks ago without a response. So, without one, I bought her a couple of gifts. Nice ones. I care not whether she wants them. I am done! She wants to get together for breakfast at her convenience this week. Well baby, my convenience comes first these days.

How did it all come to this?

I was thinking the other day about how the family story was that mamma couldn’t have babies and we adopted. Funny, I had forgotten that the real story was that after Ex-Husband and I decided to marry but before we got married, Ex-Husband decided to have a vasectomy. He had it then because he did not have to get my permission, as he would have if we were married. He took fertility out of out marriage and told me he was doing it for me.

Somehow I ended up with the role of being the infertile one, which I did become, but he killed any opportunity to have children, without ever discussing it with me. He took all the life away, one death at a time.

Rethinking My Children
Posted on 12/26/15, 07:29 pm
Back a while ago I posted an essay about how I have lost my family to my oldest daughter and my ex who only permit family to gather at his house. I said that I would no longer fight them. This Christmas eve all the kids and the son in law gathered at the ex's. I had spoken to child 2 child 3 and child 4 about getting together Christmas afternoon for tasties and some games. In the conversation, I said if they wanted the oldest, she was welcome. She cut me off last October for suggesting that insulting her brother in law/boss publicly might not be a good idea, and probably her exhaustion traveling might have had something to do with her poor judgment. No conversation, no statement, just cut off.

I never imagined that she and her husband would come.

I found out with a heads up from the youngest as she came over separately

This is the oldest who asked me to entertain her birthmother, who I like and willingly did.

Who stopped talking to be and blocked me from her life and lied about me. Again

She walked in the door obviously angry and dressed to kill. I told her I didn't expect her, and she said I knew she was coming.

She refused to talk to me and rolled her eyes and spoke under her breath throughout her stay.

I asked the second child who is close to the bitch why she was here. Second said just go with the flow.

She slowly turned the day into hell with her borderline/narcissism. She bullied us.

She finally stormed out. The second went with her, the husband trying to cover, and not believing me when I told him she had not talked to me in months,. She tells him I am befuddled and forgetful when I am a successful business woman with three concurrent operations. at all times. She lies to him about me..

I learned something yesterday,

When people say that they are neutral when a person is bullying others, they are not neutral, they are complicit. And my oldest came over and bullied me, and the two youngest with her drama and anger.

And my second and my oldest daughter's husband by their inaction and looking the other way, and by their refusal to deal when we objected, were her wingmen. Fully complicit.

I am not getting in the middle, when said after a bullying, is fully complicit.

My son was left crying and my youngest was angry and I was dumbfounded with this new perspective.

My ex used to do the same with her, and I could see his complicit role and how it worked to his advantage.

I did not see it in the other two.

Amazing what one learns.


27December 2015

I wont be bullied anymore and I will not let any one be bullied in my home anymore.

I did not stand up and ask her to leave because I didn't want to be the bad guy. From now on I will be the bad guy.

One cannot "nice" this sort of behavior into not existing. It actually gets worse and as the time progressed she gets more out of control.


In the bully equation, there are three participant positions: The bully, the target and the audience/observers. Each position plays a role. In order for the bullying to stop, there are certain shifts that need to happen.

For example, the bully usually has one or more wingmen...... (Rotten Daughter II and Rotten Daughter’s Husband) if the bully weakens when they are not there or if you can confront and pick off the wingmen, then the bully has to rethink their opinions of you and if you have now become "too difficult" as a target. Bullies are lazy and have just a few tricks that they use. So if you start deconstructing them, you will often find their weak point. As soon as a bully is exposed for what they are... they often will leave you to find another target. Making yourself painful for a bully to interact with (think of yourself as a porcupine with stabbing quills) will often solve the problem.

The target needs to change things up a bit to elicit change. If you usually do this.... then start doing that.......try something else. Being confrontational and pushing back will challenge a bully to rethink their assessment of how easy you are as a target. Bullies are cowards and sometimes just saying THAT to them is enough to get them to retreat and go look for someone else to mistreat.

The audience/observers also keep the bullying in place. And if just ONE of them will step up and point out that the bullying is going on and to STOP! That is often the beginning of the end of the bullying. But it is very unusual for that to happen. Usually the observers are weak/dopey personalities who will cheerlead whoever is "winning" in this kind of social triangulation.


December 26 2015 To the Youngest Two
Good Son and Mentally Ill Daughter who tries to stay connected
Love you both and thank you for your clear eyes, protections and support in the last lousy holiday in our lives.
Mom

January 2016.
Rotten Daughter II calls crying because she has no money. Of course I am out of the loop about what goes on in her life. She has no money and tells me about the lack of support by her missionary group. At the end of her tearful plea, I wrote a check for a thousand dollars for her. I take her to dinner. Somehow I felt that I was to blame for not knowing what she needed. I am not sure how I got there. She somehow felt she needed to fill me in about her sex life with some overseas thug. I thought that our relationship was going to get better.

2016
Valentine’s Day was wonderful. Just the three youngest, and Wonderful Young Neighbor. Strawberry shortcake, drinks and a time to chat. They seemed to like their gifts and we all had a good time. I felt loved.

March 15, 2016

Soooo Rotten Daughter II,
You are angry with me again. You must not need money right now. I wonder how much of that ‘I am Broke’ drama you gave me was real. I wrote you a check for 1K. Because I felt bad for you for not knowing how hard it was for you. And I didn’t know because you kept all the information out of my life.

Well fuck you!

And you tolerated me.

I could tell you were wearing thin.

By Good Son’s birthday you were angry and snippy.

Then you wouldn’t answer my hello texts.

I have given you money, brought you flowers, bought you meals and tried to connect.

You did tell me that you were close to your father and oldest sister.

You would never grace or stay in my house. You seemed to be doing me a favor by even meeting here.

Well I guess you don’t have it in you to care for me.

Your call, I will and have found others to love.



A Funny Smell
Had lunch with one of my children, Rotten Daughter II. She has told me that she is closer to her sister and only her sister really matters. We went to lunch and she paid for it, most likely guilt of not returning a text in three months. We chatted and it was a pleasant meal, but she had this look of someone who was sitting through an unpleasant odor. She was tolerating me, and doing her duty. No love there. More layers of the onion peel away.
Interesting, I have had a long term friendship with a young neighbor. She is caring , respectful and just brought the new man home, and I like him too. I think that I will put my energies where they are appreciated.
Replies

8 September 2016

Dear Rotten Daughter II,

I want to let you know that I am sorry about the reaction I had a few weeks ago to your illness and you not letting me know about it.

I have spent some time re-thinking the situation. I have been operating on faulty assumptions and unrealistic expectations about our relationship.

But as I have looked over the past seven years, since you left, I realize that you have been enormously clear about the limits you want on our relationship. And I had not accepted and understood it. It just didn’t really compute.

When you left my home, although you didn’t speak, you were clear.

When you went with the bank with your father to withdraw all your money from our jointly held accounts, you were clear.

When you told me that your sister Rotten Daughter was the most important person in your life you were clear.

When you went to overseas and did not keep me informed about your time there or how the issues in your life worked, you were clear.

When you told me that you were closer with your father than me and that was just the way it was, you were clear.

I am sorry that I didn’t understand or fully comprehend.

I do now.
Note to Ex-Husband after he tried to assuage his guilt over the estrangement with Rotten Daughter that he engendered and supported.

I wanted to let you know that I did appreciate you making the time and effort to attempt to reconnect me with Rotten Daughter. I did send both she and Bill a text telling them how nice it was to see them and to meet Liam. There was, of course, no response from either of them.

I too wish things were different. After 14 years, I doubt that anything will really change. I am happy that she is married to such a good man, who btw acts and looks just like a young version of you.

It is wonderful that she has a baby and that she seems to be adjusting to motherhood. She has a great support system in the The Rotten Daughter’s Ineffectual In-Lawss who can provide her with the wisdom and guidance she may need. She has reconnected with The Birthmother Burke Press, her mother, who will give her connections to her blood-roots and over time I hope that she will connect with her half - siblings and the rest of her family.

She has the continued adoration of Rotten Daughter II, who has been her faithful stalwart since they were very young. The jury is out on how the other sibs will integrate into her life, if at all, but that, of course, is her call. And she has you Ex-Husband, you have been her first love, and will continue to be her Daddy and her support. She has the life she wants with the people she wants to be with.

I wish her the best and that her children bring her the same joy that I experienced.