Post by topiarystepmom on Oct 27, 2017 22:37:44 GMT
It's never about not loving someone - it's more about loving ourselves - If someone chooses to disrespect us or mistreat us - that is their choice. However, it doesn't have to be our choice to tolerate it.
Consider the most extreme abusive relationships - people – both adults and children are abused by spouses and/or lovers or parents all the time - they are sexually molested, beaten, forced into situations they do not want to be in, physically harmed, emotionally manipulated, debased and demeaned. Because they have a low self esteem, these people often can be made to feel it is their own fault - that they deserve the abuse they are receiving. And because they love the people who hurt them,- and are often afraid of what might happen should the relationship change, they continue to make excuses and the cycle continues. We all of hear of those people who are abused that often tolerate this abuse to the point where they are totally worn down or even - in the case of physical abuse - found dead.
Children (and animals) are the silent victims because of the dicotomy of the situation.- the abuse usually comes from people they know and trust and on whom they depend for their very existence...very often their parents (or, in the case of animals, their owners). They are beaten, starved, emotionally torn down, molested and yet, they continue to trust and love their abusers. Often the abuse lasts for years and can span generations...and, because abuse is cyclical, those who are abused are most likely to become abusers themselves.
So does it pay to love people who hurt us? What if the hurt is unintentional? Then of course it does - there can always be forgiveness and reconciliation because there is this love.
But what if the hurt is intentional - created to punish and diminish? And what if the hurt is repeated? Now it comes down to a matter of respect...SELF respect. How much are we REALLY willing to tolerate in the name of love? That is the question that my husband and I finally found the capacity within ourselves to answer - And it sure did hurt - but we realized that the hurt and betrayal we had experienced dealing with our EC's behavior was far more than we could continue to tolerate. And so we eventually decided to walk away.
We need to ask ourselves: Would we love someone who tried to hurt us or someone we loved? Would we love someone we caught invading our home, torturing or killing our loved ones, vandalizing or stealing our belongings? Of course not - Only the most obsessively faithful - in the most biblical sense - could turn the other cheek in these situations.
So while it is possible to love someone who has hurt us, the probability of allowing someone who mistreats us over and over again, to continue to do so is not a healthy choice - at least that is the way I feel about it.
Consider the most extreme abusive relationships - people – both adults and children are abused by spouses and/or lovers or parents all the time - they are sexually molested, beaten, forced into situations they do not want to be in, physically harmed, emotionally manipulated, debased and demeaned. Because they have a low self esteem, these people often can be made to feel it is their own fault - that they deserve the abuse they are receiving. And because they love the people who hurt them,- and are often afraid of what might happen should the relationship change, they continue to make excuses and the cycle continues. We all of hear of those people who are abused that often tolerate this abuse to the point where they are totally worn down or even - in the case of physical abuse - found dead.
Children (and animals) are the silent victims because of the dicotomy of the situation.- the abuse usually comes from people they know and trust and on whom they depend for their very existence...very often their parents (or, in the case of animals, their owners). They are beaten, starved, emotionally torn down, molested and yet, they continue to trust and love their abusers. Often the abuse lasts for years and can span generations...and, because abuse is cyclical, those who are abused are most likely to become abusers themselves.
So does it pay to love people who hurt us? What if the hurt is unintentional? Then of course it does - there can always be forgiveness and reconciliation because there is this love.
But what if the hurt is intentional - created to punish and diminish? And what if the hurt is repeated? Now it comes down to a matter of respect...SELF respect. How much are we REALLY willing to tolerate in the name of love? That is the question that my husband and I finally found the capacity within ourselves to answer - And it sure did hurt - but we realized that the hurt and betrayal we had experienced dealing with our EC's behavior was far more than we could continue to tolerate. And so we eventually decided to walk away.
We need to ask ourselves: Would we love someone who tried to hurt us or someone we loved? Would we love someone we caught invading our home, torturing or killing our loved ones, vandalizing or stealing our belongings? Of course not - Only the most obsessively faithful - in the most biblical sense - could turn the other cheek in these situations.
So while it is possible to love someone who has hurt us, the probability of allowing someone who mistreats us over and over again, to continue to do so is not a healthy choice - at least that is the way I feel about it.
