Post by topiarystepmom on Oct 27, 2017 0:19:35 GMT
Originally published November, 2014
I had replied to one of the DS posts that talked about how our EC were encouraged to behave the way they do by outside influences, i.e; our ever self-absorbed society. And this is what I replied:
“Something inside of me STILL keeps telling me that NOBODY can ever encourage you to turn your back on somebody you love - you have to lack character to be that influenced by others - you have to lack a sense of self. And I think this is what is one of the real culprits. A lack of SELF!
Our EC always had self esteem issues - maybe it was the divorce, maybe they just lacked character - But whatever it is - it was inside of them - nobody (except maybe the MOMMY) encouraged them to treat us the way they did. To act dishonorably, to buy us shitty presents, to stand us up for parties, or to cancel our invitations, to not want to spend holidays with us or to lie, or jerk us around.
NOBODY ever told them to do those things - NOBODY ever cheered them on. They did them all by themselves. Why? Who the fuck knows.
All I do know is that they lacked dignity, they lacked grace, they lacked honor, and they lacked a sense of SELF.”
A sense of SELF – what does that really mean? I think it means knowing who we are and, either being okay with it, or doing stuff to make things better.
Last night we had dinner with another couple. They were remembering a particularly great party we threw one New Years Eve – many years back. It was a black tie affair – I made dinner and desserts – we all had a wonderful time. During the walk down memory lane, the guy of the couple said, “there is only one problem with your parties”, “you just run the kitchen and you never really socialize that much with anyone”.
And I said, “you know what Dave? You are the only one who has ever caught on”, because he had busted me. I have always had social anxiety issues and in groups, I am more comfortable in the role of host or caretaker. I cook, I make sure everyone has what he or she might need to have a good time, and I clean up. Of course, I talk to all my guests but that isn’t my primary function. I am more comfortable doing what I do. I have always known this – but usually, everybody is having such a good time, they don’t realize it. This guy was the first person who ever pointed it out. He actually saw who I am.
I know who I am – where I am talented and where I am lacking. I am not ashamed of what I do – I don’t harm anyone.
Now here is my theory about our EC. While they seem to be totally obsessed with the idea of who they are, they actually don’t know who they are. They are flounder trying to find themselves. They feel that they can do no wrong. Any failing of theirs is something that can NEVER be pointed out because they cannot accept it. They are certain of their perfection – even in the face of their most obvious imperfection.
And then they see us – and they see that we know who we are. And they feel inadequate. And if we have been successful, I think it makes them feel even more inadequate – no matter how successful they themselves might be.
And we – as their parents – have born witness to the evolution of their lives. We have seen them rise and we have seen them fall. We are the living proof of who they are – and if we have ever pointed out any foible, we have become their targets.
So they pull away and begin to systematically (metaphorically) kill the witnesses to their failings. Think about it – it really is their only way of coping with the fact that they do not know who they are – or worse, that they do know but they really don’t like what they have seen. The less they deal with us, the less they have to realize that they are NOT perfect – that they lack grace, that they lack dignity, that they lack whatever it takes to become a decent human being.
And I think that it all scares the living shit out of them.
I had replied to one of the DS posts that talked about how our EC were encouraged to behave the way they do by outside influences, i.e; our ever self-absorbed society. And this is what I replied:
“Something inside of me STILL keeps telling me that NOBODY can ever encourage you to turn your back on somebody you love - you have to lack character to be that influenced by others - you have to lack a sense of self. And I think this is what is one of the real culprits. A lack of SELF!
Our EC always had self esteem issues - maybe it was the divorce, maybe they just lacked character - But whatever it is - it was inside of them - nobody (except maybe the MOMMY) encouraged them to treat us the way they did. To act dishonorably, to buy us shitty presents, to stand us up for parties, or to cancel our invitations, to not want to spend holidays with us or to lie, or jerk us around.
NOBODY ever told them to do those things - NOBODY ever cheered them on. They did them all by themselves. Why? Who the fuck knows.
All I do know is that they lacked dignity, they lacked grace, they lacked honor, and they lacked a sense of SELF.”
A sense of SELF – what does that really mean? I think it means knowing who we are and, either being okay with it, or doing stuff to make things better.
Last night we had dinner with another couple. They were remembering a particularly great party we threw one New Years Eve – many years back. It was a black tie affair – I made dinner and desserts – we all had a wonderful time. During the walk down memory lane, the guy of the couple said, “there is only one problem with your parties”, “you just run the kitchen and you never really socialize that much with anyone”.
And I said, “you know what Dave? You are the only one who has ever caught on”, because he had busted me. I have always had social anxiety issues and in groups, I am more comfortable in the role of host or caretaker. I cook, I make sure everyone has what he or she might need to have a good time, and I clean up. Of course, I talk to all my guests but that isn’t my primary function. I am more comfortable doing what I do. I have always known this – but usually, everybody is having such a good time, they don’t realize it. This guy was the first person who ever pointed it out. He actually saw who I am.
I know who I am – where I am talented and where I am lacking. I am not ashamed of what I do – I don’t harm anyone.
Now here is my theory about our EC. While they seem to be totally obsessed with the idea of who they are, they actually don’t know who they are. They are flounder trying to find themselves. They feel that they can do no wrong. Any failing of theirs is something that can NEVER be pointed out because they cannot accept it. They are certain of their perfection – even in the face of their most obvious imperfection.
And then they see us – and they see that we know who we are. And they feel inadequate. And if we have been successful, I think it makes them feel even more inadequate – no matter how successful they themselves might be.
And we – as their parents – have born witness to the evolution of their lives. We have seen them rise and we have seen them fall. We are the living proof of who they are – and if we have ever pointed out any foible, we have become their targets.
So they pull away and begin to systematically (metaphorically) kill the witnesses to their failings. Think about it – it really is their only way of coping with the fact that they do not know who they are – or worse, that they do know but they really don’t like what they have seen. The less they deal with us, the less they have to realize that they are NOT perfect – that they lack grace, that they lack dignity, that they lack whatever it takes to become a decent human being.
And I think that it all scares the living shit out of them.
