Post by topiarystepmom on Oct 15, 2017 2:23:32 GMT
Anatomy of a Do Over
Originally posted on 10/27/12 on PEACE on Daily Strength
I need to preface this post by saying that what you read here might make you hate me because it proposes the abandonment of every parent's greatest hope. But read on....
What a simple world it was when I was a a kid - if something got messed-up, we could get a do-over. It erased the mistake and gave us an opportunity to start again...maybe this time to get it right!
I often wonder if some of the folks here get that opportunity with their ECs - through grace or good fortune, they find themselves given a chance to "start fresh" to perhaps mend a fractured relationship with their children.
The prospect of a do-over with an estranged child is almost better than being young on Christmas Eve. It is alive with hope and new possibilities. Or is it?
The do over generally revolves around the premise that nothing exists but now and the future. The past is gone - over - it never existed. This is considered to be "healthy" for the relationship - a fresh start – with no looking back.
Not to sound too negative, but my husband and I had been there, done that and then some many MANY times. Within a 40 year period, we had tried just about everything we could think of to make a do over stick...but unfortunately to no avail. You see, our EC were the official poster children for "the past doesn't exist – let’s move on". But when push came to shove, even though the past would not ever be mentioned, it would still be repeated - in the form of their rude, dismissive and hurtful behavior.
Unfortunately, in order for the do over to have the slightest chance of working, we had to ignore the fact that that same dysfunctional behavior always seemed to eventually show up again - like the proverbial bad penny! We had to pretend that it wasn't going to exist even though, through our experience and intelligence, we knew that it most likely would.
So the do over would begin - Everybody would be on their best behavior - doing the things they liked to do - enjoying the day and presumably each other. Everybody would have a wonderful time. This would last for a while - because do overs can also be repeated - several times - I call this the "honeymoon period.
But sadly, honeymoons never seem to last forever. And soon, things would start getting back to "normal". Life would go on - and then, one day, your phone call or text or email wouldn't get returned, or an invitation wouldn't be extended. Tempers would shorten, sarcasm and snottiness would creep back into conversation. The grandkids would get held hostage once more and soon you would find yourself back in the exact same place you were in before the do over began. Deja vu? Not so much!
So you would begin to analyze why this is happening - the old familiar - WHAT DID I DO WRONG??? But by now, you might actually might have realized that the reason it's not working was because you hadn't been working out the problems that created the situation to begin with! You did not resurrect the past here - in fact, you were probably walking on eggshells trying to make sure nothing came out. But by their behavior, your EC had opened up a big can of worms - and out all those worms come...all in the form of the exact same behavior they had exhibited BEFORE the do over.
So here you would find yourself - standing in the same old shithole....but why? The past is what makes us what we are - and if it is over, then it is over - both the good and bad parts of it... But here's the important part - If the past never really existed, then the question of why would you want anything to do with these people could begin to creep into your subconscious. Who ARE these people, really? They are your children yes - but would you really want to put yourself through all this crap yet again - and if so, WHY???
To achieve true reconciliation, both parties need to make a sincere, singular commitment - they need to dig deep - and they need to wade through the sludge of all the hurts and misdeeds that have been visited upon each of them – as well as those that they have visited upon each other! Most important, they need to make amends - to say that they are truly sorry and to ask for and be granted forgiveness. Only then can a do over - a fresh start full of good feelings and good times, be something truly meaningful.
While a do over is a lovely idea - it is unbelievably hard to effectively accomplish. True reconciliation is made from much tougher stuff. And this imo, is why there are so few real ones out there. For all those who have the chance of a do over - I know that I should mind my own business but I just want to warn you - covering up old wounds and pretending they never existed is pure madness - no true reconciliation can ever be achieved by doing that.
Okay - now go ahead and hate me - but I just don't care...I just needed to put this out there for you all.
Originally posted on 10/27/12 on PEACE on Daily Strength
I need to preface this post by saying that what you read here might make you hate me because it proposes the abandonment of every parent's greatest hope. But read on....
What a simple world it was when I was a a kid - if something got messed-up, we could get a do-over. It erased the mistake and gave us an opportunity to start again...maybe this time to get it right!
I often wonder if some of the folks here get that opportunity with their ECs - through grace or good fortune, they find themselves given a chance to "start fresh" to perhaps mend a fractured relationship with their children.
The prospect of a do-over with an estranged child is almost better than being young on Christmas Eve. It is alive with hope and new possibilities. Or is it?
The do over generally revolves around the premise that nothing exists but now and the future. The past is gone - over - it never existed. This is considered to be "healthy" for the relationship - a fresh start – with no looking back.
Not to sound too negative, but my husband and I had been there, done that and then some many MANY times. Within a 40 year period, we had tried just about everything we could think of to make a do over stick...but unfortunately to no avail. You see, our EC were the official poster children for "the past doesn't exist – let’s move on". But when push came to shove, even though the past would not ever be mentioned, it would still be repeated - in the form of their rude, dismissive and hurtful behavior.
Unfortunately, in order for the do over to have the slightest chance of working, we had to ignore the fact that that same dysfunctional behavior always seemed to eventually show up again - like the proverbial bad penny! We had to pretend that it wasn't going to exist even though, through our experience and intelligence, we knew that it most likely would.
So the do over would begin - Everybody would be on their best behavior - doing the things they liked to do - enjoying the day and presumably each other. Everybody would have a wonderful time. This would last for a while - because do overs can also be repeated - several times - I call this the "honeymoon period.
But sadly, honeymoons never seem to last forever. And soon, things would start getting back to "normal". Life would go on - and then, one day, your phone call or text or email wouldn't get returned, or an invitation wouldn't be extended. Tempers would shorten, sarcasm and snottiness would creep back into conversation. The grandkids would get held hostage once more and soon you would find yourself back in the exact same place you were in before the do over began. Deja vu? Not so much!
So you would begin to analyze why this is happening - the old familiar - WHAT DID I DO WRONG??? But by now, you might actually might have realized that the reason it's not working was because you hadn't been working out the problems that created the situation to begin with! You did not resurrect the past here - in fact, you were probably walking on eggshells trying to make sure nothing came out. But by their behavior, your EC had opened up a big can of worms - and out all those worms come...all in the form of the exact same behavior they had exhibited BEFORE the do over.
So here you would find yourself - standing in the same old shithole....but why? The past is what makes us what we are - and if it is over, then it is over - both the good and bad parts of it... But here's the important part - If the past never really existed, then the question of why would you want anything to do with these people could begin to creep into your subconscious. Who ARE these people, really? They are your children yes - but would you really want to put yourself through all this crap yet again - and if so, WHY???
To achieve true reconciliation, both parties need to make a sincere, singular commitment - they need to dig deep - and they need to wade through the sludge of all the hurts and misdeeds that have been visited upon each of them – as well as those that they have visited upon each other! Most important, they need to make amends - to say that they are truly sorry and to ask for and be granted forgiveness. Only then can a do over - a fresh start full of good feelings and good times, be something truly meaningful.
While a do over is a lovely idea - it is unbelievably hard to effectively accomplish. True reconciliation is made from much tougher stuff. And this imo, is why there are so few real ones out there. For all those who have the chance of a do over - I know that I should mind my own business but I just want to warn you - covering up old wounds and pretending they never existed is pure madness - no true reconciliation can ever be achieved by doing that.
Okay - now go ahead and hate me - but I just don't care...I just needed to put this out there for you all.
