Post by topiarystepmom on Apr 6, 2017 1:42:28 GMT
Originally a DS post - June 2012
I think that if anyone can come at this estrangement stuff from a place where there is no blame, more power to 'em.
It' just that he concept of societal influence implicates cultural influence as a possible reason behind our EC's dysfunction and misbehavior. Doesn't sound very blameless to me and it is just too easy a solution. If this were so, wouldn't all children be influenced in this way? Wouldn't they all suffer from dysfunction and bad behavior? This feels like we are merely the shifting of blame away from the ECs and towards a far more elusive conclusion?
I guess my husband and I are coming from a place where there has been so much trouble and pain and so few rewards. Over almost 40 years, we tried so hard to make it work with our kids and our efforts were met with disdain and indifference under the gloss of duplicitous superficiality. If our children really didn't want a relationship with us - all they had to do is say so. Our EC generated all this fake we love you, we're a family stuff, when all the while, under the surface, there was such unhappiness. When it finally surfaced, it morphd intof some very dysfunctional behavior that went on for amost 40 years!
We cannot forgive and forget this kind of treatment so easily - we simply are not wired that way. It is difficult for us not to finally place the blame where it truly belongs. Our ED always talked about wanting us to forget the past - sure - why wouldn't she? She created all the chaos and problems - and then, when things calmed down and we tried to forget, she'd create even more. To have continued to forget about what happened could only serve to benefit her. That's a form of narcissism btw - Narcissists create problems and then admonish those whom they have hurt to "forget" their transgressions. The cousin to this particular behavior is not wanting to talk about "blame". OF course! With no accountability, her dysfunction and misbehavior could have continued indefinitely.
Today someone posted a photo on my FB wall - It was just a simple graphic with writing that said "Examine What You Tolerate". I found this to be rather profound - especially in light of this discussion. When we finally did examine what we had been tolerating, my husband and I began to see through the bullshit and ultimately, we walked away from the chaos and pain. We finally placed the blame precisely where it belonged and, oddly enough, our ED refuted NONE of it. Not a shout, not even a whimper. Guess at 52 she may have finally realized what she had been doing and made her retreat. For us, it was just too little too late.
btw - However people weigh in on this topic - I hope you'll feel free to express yourself anyway you want to here. That is why PWWA was founded. You don't have to explain it - it is how you feel. Likewise, I encourage those reading these posts to challenge, disagree, and debate the views expressed here as well as support them. This is what a forum like this is meant to be.
Take Care
T.K.
I think that if anyone can come at this estrangement stuff from a place where there is no blame, more power to 'em.
It' just that he concept of societal influence implicates cultural influence as a possible reason behind our EC's dysfunction and misbehavior. Doesn't sound very blameless to me and it is just too easy a solution. If this were so, wouldn't all children be influenced in this way? Wouldn't they all suffer from dysfunction and bad behavior? This feels like we are merely the shifting of blame away from the ECs and towards a far more elusive conclusion?
I guess my husband and I are coming from a place where there has been so much trouble and pain and so few rewards. Over almost 40 years, we tried so hard to make it work with our kids and our efforts were met with disdain and indifference under the gloss of duplicitous superficiality. If our children really didn't want a relationship with us - all they had to do is say so. Our EC generated all this fake we love you, we're a family stuff, when all the while, under the surface, there was such unhappiness. When it finally surfaced, it morphd intof some very dysfunctional behavior that went on for amost 40 years!
We cannot forgive and forget this kind of treatment so easily - we simply are not wired that way. It is difficult for us not to finally place the blame where it truly belongs. Our ED always talked about wanting us to forget the past - sure - why wouldn't she? She created all the chaos and problems - and then, when things calmed down and we tried to forget, she'd create even more. To have continued to forget about what happened could only serve to benefit her. That's a form of narcissism btw - Narcissists create problems and then admonish those whom they have hurt to "forget" their transgressions. The cousin to this particular behavior is not wanting to talk about "blame". OF course! With no accountability, her dysfunction and misbehavior could have continued indefinitely.
Today someone posted a photo on my FB wall - It was just a simple graphic with writing that said "Examine What You Tolerate". I found this to be rather profound - especially in light of this discussion. When we finally did examine what we had been tolerating, my husband and I began to see through the bullshit and ultimately, we walked away from the chaos and pain. We finally placed the blame precisely where it belonged and, oddly enough, our ED refuted NONE of it. Not a shout, not even a whimper. Guess at 52 she may have finally realized what she had been doing and made her retreat. For us, it was just too little too late.
btw - However people weigh in on this topic - I hope you'll feel free to express yourself anyway you want to here. That is why PWWA was founded. You don't have to explain it - it is how you feel. Likewise, I encourage those reading these posts to challenge, disagree, and debate the views expressed here as well as support them. This is what a forum like this is meant to be.
Take Care
T.K.
