I'm back--It's so nice to see the support is still here.....

I think it's healthy to come to a time when you take a break and deal with some of life's speed bumps and take time to process some feelings. Once I did that I stopped wondering why my life was in the state it was in & I was ready to do something about it. It's not all me, and it's not all them. I'm not sure about your situation, but it is really good to start to take care of yourself, figure out what you want. I wasn't a single parent, but we have a lot of kids and my husband wasn't around much for months at a time because of work, so I had no time to stop & figure out who I was, what I wanted. It was always about what the kids needed or wanted. Yes, I got to do some of the things that I wanted, but always as a version of what would work around their schedule, or what they needed. My fault in the situation is that I allowed them to think that's the way it should be. It's take time to work out with most of them, that I'm no longer responsible for their lives and choices, they are. I have one that still blames me for everything wrong in her life and the real problem is that She is a true narcissist and I was no longer worth spending time on, once I didn't fit into her current agenda. I imagine that your daughter's tantrums, etc are a way of escalating the attention seeking that narcissist always crave. Yes, 17 is technically a kid, but She at that age, She already knows how to bend people to her plan and if you aren't following the plan then the tantrums start. But realistically, if it isn't a tantrum about one thing, it will be about something else as soon as you don't fit in her plan or don't give into her. At 17, she may not know the full consequences of her behavior, but it doesn't excuse the behavior and letting it continue without resistance to it, just lets her think that it's ok.

As far as your son, you never know. He may come around, he may not. It could be that something that other people have said, or twisted to an interpretation that "fits their agenda" and their perceived version of events may have something to do with His anger. It might even be that He's tired of the extra attention that your daughter is getting and feels like She doesn't deserve it and that if He's behaved well for most of his life then it didn't get Him anywhere. I've had that situation in my own family. Guess what...that child was right to a certain extent. They were set aside at times because either my narcissist or another daughter with health issues took attention away from the kids that were doing fine. It wasn't fair, but it was what was I thought was necessary to keep the chaos to a minimum. Now that they are all adults and I've had a couple of years to reflect and learn, I refuse to play into the hand of the people that cause chaos. I've repaired relationships that were damaged because I was busy paying attention to whoever was being a pain in the butt at the time. Going forward, I have tried my best to give attention only to those relationships that are fulfilling and a two way street. The heat from the narcissist has been intense at times. Stealing my identity, turning other family members away from us, among other even worse things. I also refuse to reward any of the other family members that throw a fit when they don't get their way. I also speak up when and have started to say "no" when I don't want to do something instead of going along. I also apologize when I am wrong, or start to fall into an old habit of saying yes or paying attention to family members that seem to continually get themselves into a jam, as a way of keeping attention focused on them.

My best advice is to hang in there. It gets better and once you stop thinking about what is missing (real or the idealized version )in your life, you will see that you have time to do what YOU want and it is wonderful.

sovgrateful, I agree with you....I am also grateful for these few months that I've had without all my daughter's hysterical drama.

I'm glad you are better but I am sorry to hear about your Mom.

astlyr, I never thought about my ES being upset because he felt 'set aside' due to my narcissistic daughter demanding attention all the time. That could be a part of it. I was always playing referee and protecting the baby girl. Maybe he resents me for that too. Maybe I'll never find out what his issue is with me. I sure don't want to spend the rest of my life trying to figure it out or feeling guilty and beating myself up for it. The past is the past and I can't change that. My children are 26, 20 and 17 now.

Thanks to both of you for your honest, heartfelt responses. Sadly, it's nice to have someone to talk to because I am ashamed to speak about my children being estranged. Somehow, it still seems like it would be all my fault and that's the only thing people would see.