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Post by topiarystepmom on Jul 15, 2016 1:24:12 GMT
Several years ago, we were nominated as the villians du jour by our ED in a facebook post that referred to us as Skeletore and the Stepmonster. And btw - those names weren’t thunk up on the spot; our ED is neither that clever nor is she creative. These names probably had been attached to us for a long, long time! But the real question was how come
But the real question was HOW did we become symbols of of evil and harm to them – how did THAT happen?
I had always thought that if you stuck by those you loved and helped to make their dreams came true, this made you a hero. So just how did my husband and I wind up to be the bad guys?
We always did whatever we could to help our EC get what they wanted and and more importantly, what they needed. Add that to the fact that we never intentionally sought ways to make them unhappy or hurt them and it makes ya wanna say: “What The Fuck?”
NEVER – in the 3+ decades that we spent with our EC, did we ever think that this would be the final outcome. Being bad-mouthed, being disrespected and even being mocked on a facebook post - and all this after putting up with year after excruciating year of bullshit. Always looking for them to change, to at least, to see the light – and to finally grow the fuck up, only to realize that we had spent (and wasted) too many good years holding onto the impossible.
So the real question has to be – When do we get to be the heroes of our own story?
I hear a lot of comments about shame and hurt – But the way I see it, heroes shouldn't have to be ashamed.
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jani
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Post by jani on Jul 19, 2016 4:26:26 GMT
I have no answer for that, but it seems society, along with our brats have branded us 'bad guys'!!! I remember over 40 years of striving for ONLY the best for my children only to be discarded and to this day I have NO idea why! I wake up missing them, the last thing I think about before drifting off to sleep is WHY, What did I do? It never seems to end. My EC could care less, but my heart is permanently scarred. If only I could erase every memory of them.
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Post by alfreda on Jul 20, 2016 14:28:27 GMT
I am hurt, and I have no clue what names or pathetic stories she has made up to justify her cutting family off, BUT ashamed NO. Currently working on being the hero of my own story  |
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jani
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Post by jani on Jul 20, 2016 18:30:33 GMT
Alfreda,
I want to be where you are in this nightmare. May I ask how long it took you to have such a positive outlook for yourself? I keep fighting the guilt of what I don't know, but just a feeling of letting my children down. Admittedly, this is a bad day (just found out my youngest is getting married and I know I am not included), but I WANT to get on with my life and enjoy it.
Thanks,,,,,
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Post by alfreda on Jul 21, 2016 0:13:14 GMT
It has taken almost three years, the first two I did a lot of work,journaling, hobbies, gratitude, exercise ( swimmimg and biking), some counseling, reaching out and doing new things with friends. Add to that I survived breast cancer this year and I deserve to and fight to honor this life I have. My Ed had the very best parents could give,she was loved,supported and cherished, After examining our history, myself, the family journals I don't feel any guilt. She has problems that go way beyond us. I just can't allow my life to be defined by estrangement , I am her mother and she can't escape that reality.
I am so sorry about the upcoming wedding, that is very painful.
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Post by difficulttime2 on Jul 21, 2016 3:45:37 GMT
Even when you think you've 'moved on' something happens, some trigger and you have to pick yourself up again. I just went through a trigger after 6 years of estrangement, complete silence and shunning from my ED ... thought I'd moved on ... and had to get a grip all over again.
It's painful to be shunned and left out ... it sucks. I agree with Alfreda, sorry for your pain Jani, but Alfreda is spot on ... they have "problems that go way beyond us." I think that is true of all of our EC's.
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Post by alfreda on Jul 21, 2016 13:40:25 GMT
Even when you think you've 'moved on' something happens, some trigger and you have to pick yourself up again. I just went through a trigger after 6 years of estrangement, complete silence and shunning from my ED ... thought I'd moved on ... and had to get a grip all over again. It's painful to be shunned and left out ... it sucks. I agree with Alfreda, sorry for your pain Jani, but Alfreda is spot on ... they have "problems that go way beyond us." I think that is true of all of our EC's. I get those triggers and I feel like my heart wound has been jabbed by a thousand knife cuts, BUT I am finding my bounce back is much faster. I don't imagine difficulttime that for many this will ever change and that we stop grieving for our losses in this life, our grief settles into a quiet corner, rearing it's ugly head now and again and then slinks back to it's corner. |
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jani
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Post by jani on Jul 21, 2016 16:25:38 GMT
Alfreda & Difficulttime, thank you for the helpful words! It's been long enough for me, but I just don't seem to be able to move on. My husband and I have been relocated to a new city and I've found it impossible to make new friends and I was once a VERY outgoing and involved person. Part of it is my age and this era of social media where no one really connects. I continue to feel I just don't belong in this world, I have no value. My thoughts continue to play over and over in my head that if my children don't want me then who would. I KNOW I shouldn't think this way and I need to move on. Normally, I would tell a person like me to 'put on their big girl panties and deal with it', but that just isn't working any longer. Feel free to let me have it, (I know I deserve it) but I am just being honest in my hurt feelings. I have put myself out there and joined things, but everything seems hollow and empty. Nothing interests me. I have no other family other than my EC's and I can't find a purpose in my life. Thanks for letting me vent and a HUGE thank you to Topi for all the work to keep PWWA alive. Reading your posts and knowing I am not the only person with children that have abandoned them is my lifeline.
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Post by topiarystepmom on Jul 21, 2016 18:08:19 GMT
Those triggers are everywhere - but you get angry and STAY angry and power through it - You need to get tough and STAY tough! 
And Jani - "My thoughts continue to play over and over in my head that if my children don't want me then who would". You need to view this concept in reverse - If your children treat you like crap - why would YOU want anything to do with THEM?
Your children's view of you is not reflective of the real world so wear a rubber band on your wrist and EVERY time you find yourself thinking that way, give it a good hard SNAP and think the reverse! A little harsh but it really works!
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Post by alfreda on Jul 21, 2016 20:35:59 GMT
I agree about the rubber band trick and Topi is right about your children not reflecting what the real world thinks. I have to remember that too. I have my moments where I wonder why have a mother and a daughter that absolutely don't care, and it hurts and then I think, sheesh, what the hell is wrong with them.
Sometimes when you try to hard it backfires and the very thing you want is the thing that proves the most elusive. Maybe it's been hard to find connections and friends because as you say they are things that don't interest you, so stop trying and just do something that interests YOU.
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jani
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Post by jani on Jul 21, 2016 20:55:30 GMT
Thanks! You both have me smiling and snapping my new rubber band bracelet! I am usually very strong and hold everyone else up and in my weak moment I needed exactly what you wrote. Topi your words pull me up more than you will ever know. My hubby and I gave them all everything they wanted, a college degree plus grad school and you are so correct-WHY WOULD I WANT THEM IN MY LIFE! I am having a weak day, but it will stop now.
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Post by difficulttime2 on Jul 21, 2016 22:44:27 GMT
Jani, you'd be surprised how many have been touched by estrangement. I felt the same way about making new friends after estrangement. To my surprise, once I allowed myself to just be open about my situation and talk about it freely when and if it came up ... how many people would share that their kids had or were currently estranged from them or they knew someone who was dealing with the same thing. It is across the board now I think and people often suffer in silence.
That's why these forums are so important ... to share, to not feel so alone... HUGS
ALSO, we all learn to cope with this in different ways ... for me, the anger thing doesn't work, but I don't begrudge those who feel that way or deal with it another way. This is a very personal journey. I had kidney, uterine and skin cancer ... and my somewhat sickly body simply can't hold on to the anger, without quite literally very grave consequences. It literally poisons me. So, for me, it's been a journey of learning to lay it down, but that's just me... Each his own...
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Post by topiarystepmom on Jul 22, 2016 1:30:27 GMT
Amger works for me - but lately, I am being more indifferent and strangely enough, it is working. Go figure! |
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Post by difficulttime2 on Jul 23, 2016 3:45:34 GMT
I think we grieve the 'death of the dream' ... I think that is what estrangement is, the death of a dream.... It's a true loss, but then the sun comes up and there it is, a new day, and we move on with a new dream. It's all any of us can really do.... making the most of all that comes and the least of all that goes....
"We can either get busy living or get busy dying" (Shawshank Redemption) I love that quote!
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jennb
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Post by jennb on Jul 23, 2016 21:21:48 GMT
OMG!!!! You are all so terrific with your responses...right on the money. It's been 3yrs for me and I must say I'm feeling a lot of indifference these days and I really love it!! I hate all the drama related with them. Maybe the indifference is a defense mechanism but whatever it is I'll take it. Bottom line for me lately is my ES and his family all seem happy and healthy and ultimately,as a parent, isn't that what we want for our children? So, I imagine myself looking down on them from heaven, unable to speak to them, hug them or share in their ups and downs... I would be completely hands off...hmm,thats what I have now... except I'm still alive😁
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