Post by rayven on Oct 17, 2016 18:13:13 GMT
I'm so happy to have found this forum. As I read earlier there is nothing in society about parents who walk away. I am a parent who has suffered through parental alienation syndrome and of course I am estranged from one of my adult daughters for years now. The last time I ever heard from her was on a day while I was working and she texted me on the phone and cussed me out. I can't tell you how shocked and upset I was by that. Our relationship was already pretty shaky but we were speaking and had visited a few times in the past few years. She wouldn't see me as a child because the ex's family just wouldn't let us visit. They were controlling and manipulating and did everything they could to keep us apart. I always knew why of course, because then she might know me again and love me. My ex is a really bad alcoholic/addict and I'm sure I don't have to tell you how turbulent that relationship was. It almost cost me my life on at least 2 occasions and as I had said later half jokingly, if that didn't end one of us was gonna die. I just couldn't do it anymore and I finally realized I couldn't help him. We were very young. Early 20's. I was young and naive and thought we were a family. I was too young to really realize that the in-law relationship is not a particularly strong one, and an in-law can be the mortal enemy, especially when you decide to separate. I had let our daughter go stay with my in-laws (his parents) because I feared for her safety among other things. They loved her, I trusted them, and the remaining surviving family I had, like my Mom had her own problems and couldn't be/wasn't there for us. We lived several hours away for one thing and honestly my own Mom just wasn't much of a Mom to me growing up. I actually lived with my Dad since I was 12 and he'd always been the nurturing parent to whom I had a bond. He died when I was 18. I knew they didn't have the best feelings for each other probably but they never really put that on us. I was able to see and know all my family, so this situation I found myself in was new to me. Needless to say they decided they wanted to keep my daughter and of course I was just so rich I could run out and afford a lawyer (not). So yea, I lost her and then of course they wouldn't let her come and see me. It's a very long story.. But during all of her years growing up I never stopped trying to be in her life.. birthdays, holidays, etc. Yes, after they took her they did move away.. The thing my ex had said they said I would do if I had her, and that they'd never see her again. Oh whatever. So anyway, no, we really never had much of a relationship besides a few phone calls, cards and letters, which as she got older did become less and less on their part. After I divorced my ex and lost my daughter to his parents I was naturally just devastated. It took me at least a year before I could even begin to function right. I was sick both emotionally and physically as well. It took a hell of a toll on me. One day I decided I could sit around and mope for the rest of my life OR, I could get up, get moving and live a life in which someday she could be proud of me. I didn't realize that, that would never matter. So when all hell broke loose I was devastated yet again. I realized I had had unrealistic expectations (or hope) for many years. I had hoped that when she got older and on her own that she and I could have a relationship. Oh what dumb thinking.
It pains me to re-live all of this so I don't want to say much more, but I have never heard from her or tried to contact her again for almost 6 years now. Thanks to the world wide web I read a post on a social media page that I wish I hadn't seen. I didn't even mean to see it. I saw it through someone elses page. She had posted about her gp's anniversary and had written their anniversary announcement for their paper in which she had stated how she'd gone to live with them and they'd moved away and how grateful she was for their sacrifices.. How grateful she was for their sacrifices. That just sent me spiraling downhill again, and for the last time. I really paid for it this time and I will never, ever go down that road again. No one is worth it. Not too long after I lost her to them it dawned on me how they'd been more than the doting grandparents that I thought was so sweet. Ick. They had already told people they had a new little girl just after she was born. I should have seen it. I feel like such a fool, but what's done is done. They have 2 sons, including my ex.
So many years have gone by since all of this. Like I said I just saw this 'grateful for all their sacrifices' almost 2 months ago and this ended up landing me into a behavioral health center for 3 days because my therapist said I could either go in to see him the next day or go to this hospital and they would help me through this crisis. But they said I was suicidal based on answers I'd given them in what I didn't know was their intake process. Yes I had thought about suicide in the past, but no not recently and most certainly did not have a plan, as they said. Omg. I was so shocked. The first doctor I saw said I couldn't leave and when I signed the AMA a tech told my husband, but not me that he was planning to get a court order to keep me against my will the day after the labor day holiday. I had never been so scared in recent memory. Over the weekend I saw a different doctor who she said would be my doctor for the weekend and the next week. She stated she saw in my file about the court order and I just went into a panic attack almost asking if we really had to do that! She said no and that she doesn't like to hold anyone against their will and asked if she could call my husband and I said yes, but that a therapist had also called him the first day and said she'd put it in the notes. She turned the page with a shocked look on her face and said, "Well it says here, he wants you home." Yes. I was getting sicker in there than at home and my home IS safe. So she called him and reassured him that she'd be discharging me and that she was also the medical director. Omg what a relief that was. I'll be forever grateful to her for actually listening to me too and understanding what I'd gone through. In spite of this bad time earlier in my life I had done pretty well for myself. Went back to college, finished my degree. Good job. Great husband.. all that. I do suffer from some depression and have ptsd but I take care of it and I had gone on to make myself a pretty darn good life. I also have another daughter (stepdaughter) with whom we are very close since she was 4 years old. I've been in good therapy for almost 2 years now too. My therapist thought I was mad at him and may not want to talk to him anymore after the hospital thing. Absolutely wrong! I knew he was only trying to help! He was rather flabbergasted what they did to me.
Anyway, my husband finally managed to get me out of that place and I realized then that nothing or no one is worth losing your life, your mind, your freedom over. EVER. I realized I needed to end this situation for good. It is a work in progress.
I knew I had to walk away.. completely divorce this situation forever, and then I found you and realize I am so not alone. (Just finding out there was a name for the situation PAS in the past year or two has been a little bit of a relief I have never really known just how to feel.. Of course I have been in years of grief, sadness, guilt, shame.)
I'm sorry to know this happens to many parents, but I am glad I am not alone in this torture. Anyway, that's a little bit of my story in a nutshell. Thanks for listening and for having me here.
It pains me to re-live all of this so I don't want to say much more, but I have never heard from her or tried to contact her again for almost 6 years now. Thanks to the world wide web I read a post on a social media page that I wish I hadn't seen. I didn't even mean to see it. I saw it through someone elses page. She had posted about her gp's anniversary and had written their anniversary announcement for their paper in which she had stated how she'd gone to live with them and they'd moved away and how grateful she was for their sacrifices.. How grateful she was for their sacrifices. That just sent me spiraling downhill again, and for the last time. I really paid for it this time and I will never, ever go down that road again. No one is worth it. Not too long after I lost her to them it dawned on me how they'd been more than the doting grandparents that I thought was so sweet. Ick. They had already told people they had a new little girl just after she was born. I should have seen it. I feel like such a fool, but what's done is done. They have 2 sons, including my ex.
So many years have gone by since all of this. Like I said I just saw this 'grateful for all their sacrifices' almost 2 months ago and this ended up landing me into a behavioral health center for 3 days because my therapist said I could either go in to see him the next day or go to this hospital and they would help me through this crisis. But they said I was suicidal based on answers I'd given them in what I didn't know was their intake process. Yes I had thought about suicide in the past, but no not recently and most certainly did not have a plan, as they said. Omg. I was so shocked. The first doctor I saw said I couldn't leave and when I signed the AMA a tech told my husband, but not me that he was planning to get a court order to keep me against my will the day after the labor day holiday. I had never been so scared in recent memory. Over the weekend I saw a different doctor who she said would be my doctor for the weekend and the next week. She stated she saw in my file about the court order and I just went into a panic attack almost asking if we really had to do that! She said no and that she doesn't like to hold anyone against their will and asked if she could call my husband and I said yes, but that a therapist had also called him the first day and said she'd put it in the notes. She turned the page with a shocked look on her face and said, "Well it says here, he wants you home." Yes. I was getting sicker in there than at home and my home IS safe. So she called him and reassured him that she'd be discharging me and that she was also the medical director. Omg what a relief that was. I'll be forever grateful to her for actually listening to me too and understanding what I'd gone through. In spite of this bad time earlier in my life I had done pretty well for myself. Went back to college, finished my degree. Good job. Great husband.. all that. I do suffer from some depression and have ptsd but I take care of it and I had gone on to make myself a pretty darn good life. I also have another daughter (stepdaughter) with whom we are very close since she was 4 years old. I've been in good therapy for almost 2 years now too. My therapist thought I was mad at him and may not want to talk to him anymore after the hospital thing. Absolutely wrong! I knew he was only trying to help! He was rather flabbergasted what they did to me.
Anyway, my husband finally managed to get me out of that place and I realized then that nothing or no one is worth losing your life, your mind, your freedom over. EVER. I realized I needed to end this situation for good. It is a work in progress.
I knew I had to walk away.. completely divorce this situation forever, and then I found you and realize I am so not alone. (Just finding out there was a name for the situation PAS in the past year or two has been a little bit of a relief I have never really known just how to feel.. Of course I have been in years of grief, sadness, guilt, shame.)
I'm sorry to know this happens to many parents, but I am glad I am not alone in this torture. Anyway, that's a little bit of my story in a nutshell. Thanks for listening and for having me here.