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Post by topiarystepmom on Aug 13, 2016 22:37:42 GMT
I think back to times when I thought I was happy, but I was just running faster on the treadmill... I know how you feel - how did you deal with the feelings of betrayal when you finally realized it all wasn't real? It wasn't easy for us - I think of our kids and almost 40 years of "fakin' it - I don't know how they could do it - it boggles the mind!
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Post by astlyr on Aug 15, 2016 13:26:18 GMT
Topi, How did I deal with the feelings of betrayal? I'll let you know when I'm done dealing with them, LOL. It has not been easy at all. I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster sometimes and I don't like that at all. I feel so taken advantage of, violated, robbed, confused, you name it. I really feel like if they would just stop taking jabs that I would be able to move on, but that's not good enough for them. So the betrayal and hurt continues. As far as dealing with it, it's changed me, for both the worse and the better. I am harder and more suspicious now. I have more tolerance for people in general most of the time because I figure you never know what people are dealing with any given time and maybe the cracks in their life are just showing publicly at that moment. I've started journally my feelings, seeing a therapist mostly to make sure that I haven't gone completely out of my gourd when I think that I'm healing or not healing, etc, and being HERE has helped so much more than I can ever explain. This was the first place I found that had other parents like myself, so I didn't feel so alone.
I don't know how I could've been so blind for so long. I don't know how I could've run on the treadmill so long. I think I developed the "scramble" mentality. You scramble so much to keep everything together that you expect that's normal. It's not! It's insane. I can't tell if they were faking it or I was faking it, or both. I used to get really upset with DH when He would say our life was so much calm when ED #1 wasn't in our life. He was right. She has been in & out like a revolving door for the better part of 16 years. I think this time might be for good. Even if She revolves back in at some point, I'm not sure that the door will be open this time. I believe I've had enough. As far as ED2, I don't even know what to think. She was always close with both of us. I think She is at a weak point in her life, but that She also made these choices because She didn't like what we had to say about taking care of her own life. Hey, if you want to take care of things yourself, then do it. That doesn't mean "don't tell me what you think, but keep doling out the cash." So She's not absolved of her part in this. That one broke my heart and things will never be the same.
But that's ok also. I do not want them to be the same. I want them to be better. If that involves them in my life, fine, if not, fine also. It will hurt, but I will go on.
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Post by sovgrateful on Aug 15, 2016 17:56:32 GMT
I get all you are saying astlyr..and I feel, and have felt, all the same emotions.. We were fooling ourselves..when we thought all was well with the world, and we were loved and cherished (deep down we had our doubts) but it was comforting nonetheless. So yes, we are the brave ones, now performing as daily acrobats without a safety net..Yes it has changed me too..I now look at everyone (only husband is exempt) with a degree of suspicion..I am less "caring" about others' feelings too..in silly ways, like I would always rush to comfort or minimize their discomforts..I was waaaay too empathetic about all and everyone.. It's still my nature, so I do have setbacks.. It's much easier, I think at the end of the day, to be like those friends I see that are bending over backwards for their adult kids..they are under the illusion that it's "all about family" I know better now..we have removed the blindfolds we had worn for years..it's a sort of naked place to be..but, that being said, I would never return to living in that delusional state..so all told it's been a gift,however mysteriously packaged.. I agree, going this road with a well chosen therapist is the best way..it's a wonderful thing to find the right one.. I saw a psychiatrist some years back, as anxiety was eating me alive..I had an evaluation..turns out it's just garden variety "normal under the circumstances" stress reaction.. I return every year, she gives me a yearly script for a mild tranquilizer, that I take sparingly when needed.. Now, oddly with the dissolving of another long standing relationship I have had a return of some of the old feelings..this too will pass..
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Post by sovgrateful on Aug 15, 2016 18:07:05 GMT
I wanted to say yoo..I loved your term "scramble mentality" I was in a constant scramble..it was normal..I see others in the exact same place, doing, doing, giving, giving to their kids..I know full well if they just took back control for an instant..they would be cast aside..interestingly enough, I know a couple who have done that recently..and have now been effectively divorced by my their adult kids.. So you're right..it's not normal..geez, my mom never "scrambled" for me..the exact opposite..yet I was there in her life assisting her on her journey till she passed 2 yrs ago at 91! I really believe it's a generational thing..my sister is 12 yrs my junior..and she "expected and demanded" I never dared..if I tried, it wouldn't have worked anyway! Lol
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Post by astlyr on Oct 8, 2016 21:27:11 GMT
This week has been particularly hard to stick to my guns, so I chose to read through what I wrote in this post. One of our EDs had her baby this week. No phone call, no text, nothing.....Luckily we have other friends and family that let us know that She had the baby and everyone was doing well. I am disappointed in myself a bit. I really wanted to find out what hospital that She was at and show up there, to be there for ED and see our new GC, but then I thought that might not be the best environment to "intrude" into. I didn't go. I am so tempted to go where they are staying sometime, but I know that probably won't help the situation. She's off the rails and I'm not the one that can put that train back on the tracks. She follows the advice and life coaching of the other ED who is classic NPD as if She was a god. It is sickening to see such adolescent behavior from them and their spouses. Having a baby is a big deal. Grow up, suck it up and make the call. It's pretty easy to call and say "We had the baby, just wanted you to know that everyone is healthy and doing ok. I don't want to discuss anything else." I have absolutely no respect left for her spouse for not letting me know that everything was ok, as we suspected that this may be a difficult pregnancy & delivery. So spineless. So immature. So hurtful.
But I am going to stick to my guns. I have made gifts for the baby. I will send them. She will probably send them back or throw them away. I feel like it's the right thing for me. So I have done it. I have & would do it for any of the grandkids, so that's what I did. I was hoping to deliver them in person, but that is not to be right now. Maybe never. I am going to continue to do what I feel is right as a mother & grandmother. They can try to rob me of my love for them, but I refused to live as a pissed off sullen person. I've found renewed joy in some of the activities that I put on hold while servicing my challenging family. I do wish that they could see the more calm, confident, person that I've become since this all came to a head when I began to pull the plug on being "The Enabler". Yes, that was my superhero name, but no more. I am calling BS when I hear it. Not saying yes, when I really want to say no, and taking back my life. This has caused quite a few arguments with DH, as well as other family members. That's when EDs decided that I was crap and that I don't exist for them. But....if you want to know a secret, they act like I don't exist, but only one of them has completely erased every trace of me from her social media. The other kept pictures of me with GC, family events, fun times, etc. That's right, I checked it out recently. I've only done that 2-3 times in the last year as I use to find it so depressing. Now there's been a change. I don't feel depressed about it. I remember those times fondly, wish that we could have more like that someday, but I simply move on knowing that the way that these two girls are choosing to remember their past is skewed. They are suffering from mental issues that make them depressed and lash out to people with whom they feel it will be forgivable.
As a side note my particularly nasty ED committed credit card fraud against me about 2 weeks ago. Apparently, I'm not responding to the alienation & no contact the way that She'd like. Apparently, I'm not throwing a fit and falling apart the way that she would like. Apparently, I have not thrown myself from the highest building the way that She would like. These are not things that I think, they are real. This is the ED who made sure to tell me that She would shoot me if I tried to come to her house to see her. So yes, I know that She wants me dead and is trying very hard to drive me to take my own life. This one's for her. That is not going to happen. I will see her in jail first, if she chooses to keep this up. I will be helping the company that She fraudulently used my credit card with to prosecute her. It was large enough to be a felony, so that should be interesting when She finds out that the rules really are for her too. I feel bad that it might take her hitting bottom for her to learn that the way She treats people is not ok. I feel like with NPD/BPD that it's the only thing that might wake her up enough to seek professional help. If not, then that's fine too. I've tried to respect her wishes and leave her alone, but that's not really what She wants. She wants to stir things up, as She always has. She wants me to be miserable. All I want to do is be done with this. I don't want to go back to the way it was. I want to move forward. If they want to change, then I'd consider moving forward with them, but if not, then I am ok moving forward without them too.
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