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Post by astlyr on Aug 1, 2016 3:34:38 GMT
I'm trying something new, at least new to me. I'm starting to keep a bit of a journal. It's a mess but it's my mess. I'm not only journalling some of the ruminating that I might normally do, since journalling seems to stop that once I write it down, I'm also starting some lists. Here's some that I'm starting with: 1) What will I tolerate for a relationship with any family member? 2) What will I not tolerate / What will I not do? 3) What do I want my life to be? 4) What am I sick & tired of doing or hearing? I think that I figure that if some family is so angry that they feel that estrangement is a good choice for them, and these are some of the most judgemental people I know, then I have nothing else to lose. The people that are sticking with me through this are my family of choice, not necessarily family by blood. These are my real friends, not just people that I know and have superficial conversations with. I don't really need superficial, not that I will cut them loose, but I will know exactly how much to emotionally invest in those types of relationships. I might as well grow from this experience vs. wallow in my own sadness forever. I might as well come out on the other side of the grief having some other parts of my life in order as well. I'm giving myself notice, all relationships, all activities, all decisions will be re-evaluated. Screw it! I'm done leading my life for others. The next half of my life will be doing things that make me happier.
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Post by topiarystepmom on Aug 1, 2016 13:40:01 GMT
Sounds great Ast - I especially like #3
Don't forget some good stuff in there - like things you want to do for YOU and things that make you happy!
If you do put this stuff into practice, I think you will find that as you start to emotionally withdraw from those superficial people in your lives, they will fall away from you. (For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction) Remember - they are feeding on your emotional investment- (relying on it, actually), and when they can no longer get what they want (need, actually), it is then when they will become dissatisfied and either
1. Try to draw you in to the same old shit, 2. Act up & start some trouble, or 3. Simply walk away from you.
I know this because it is what we did with our EC and with our friends who were mistreating us. And btw - DON'T be too surprised if (more like when) they tell you that they just don't understand
1. WHY the relationship is falling apart 2. WHY can't it go back to the way it is 3. WHY you are behaving "differently" or 4. That they are "done" with you and the emotionally dissatisfying way you are acting (Of all the NERVE!) lol.
Stand your ground and hold on - you are doing just fine!
T.K.
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Post by astlyr on Aug 9, 2016 20:57:50 GMT
Thanks for the boost. I really needed it today. I am trying to put these things into practice, but it's particularly hard on some days when you have EC that are actively trying to destroy you. I thought I was doing ok. But today is a hard day. I just found out some disturbing news. It's not sad news in general, just sad not to be included in one of the events that any mother should be included in, when it comes to their daughter. ED#2 has been sniffing around to other family & friends that She knows talk to me. She sends them pictures that She knows they will show to me. It's like the hounds circling. So what is She up to? Does She want me to react badly so that She can justify her horrible behavior to herself? Does She want me to react so to show that I still care? Is She doing it just to hurt me? I'm not sure what to think. I just know it hurts very badly.
Topi, thank you for reminding that they will especially do #1 on your list. They will try to draw me into the same old shit. That's what this feels like. I would love it to be that She's trying to get closer to see if I am open to reconcile. However, it doesn't feel that way. It feels like they are getting ready to attack, getting ready for another round of emotional blows, coming in for the kill.
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Post by topiarystepmom on Aug 9, 2016 21:37:54 GMT
Don't overthink it - just try to ignore the bullshit and concentrate on your own happiness!
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Post by astlyr on Aug 10, 2016 22:27:53 GMT
You are right! I am giving these two way too much of my thoughts and time.
I will send a gift, wait for it to be returned, give it to someone in need who will appreciate it & move on. It will hurt along the way and I know that I probably shouldn't even bother. My other issue is one of my very best friends & some family members have been in contact with the EC. They send me pictures of the grandkids, which I really appreciate, but it hurts so bad that it often sends me into a tailspin for several hours or days if they want to talk about the pictures. I enjoy seeing the kids, but I really don't want to talk about them over & over rehashing how much of their life I'm missing & how bad these particular children are treating us. I try not to bring it up, but I have two people that are close to me that just can't seem to stop telling me how bad they feel for me. I think I'm going to have to ask them to please stop with the in depth conversations about this. That if I only say thank you and change the topic, to please go with it for now. Some days are easier than others. I just have to figure out how to ask them to move on for my sake without sounding harsh or breaking into tears. I'm so sick of a major crying jag sneaking up on me.
I can totally talk myself into being ok most of the time now, but it feels like these EDs know exactly when I've started to be just fine and they literally target me. They go out of their way to make sure to twist the knife again. I don't think it's fair that I might have to give up all my friends and family so that I don't have to be targeted by these two through people I know.
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Post by astlyr on Aug 10, 2016 22:36:08 GMT
I've also come to the conclusion that I'm not entirely sure that I want to stay where I am. I think I'm ready to move, but there's so much stuff and economically it's complicated. I'm ready to go somewhere new, where nobody asks about the kids. I felt huge relief when we moved from where I grew up to the city we live in now because I didn't have everyone asking about this or that. I could go to the grocery and not have anyone want any lengthy conversation at the checkout. Now I know too many people where we live and I feel penned in. I think I really need a big city where I can be anonymous and the people that are trying to destroy me can't find me.
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Post by topiarystepmom on Aug 11, 2016 1:03:16 GMT
Wouldn't it just be easier to tell these people that it's none of their business and that you don't want to discuss this? Wouldn't it be easier to tell your friends NOT to send you pictures or tell you about your EC and GC? Rather than pack yourselves up and move to a new place?
You are always going to run into people who know you and who ask about your ec. It is up to YOU to decide what you want your life to be - PLEASE Don't twist your life into a pretzel and do stuff that is inconvenient and costly and a lot of work!
Avoidance is NEVER the answer to this situation - It just encourages delusional thinking. Facing up and dealing with it works better and is healthier in the end.
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Post by astlyr on Aug 12, 2016 2:59:10 GMT
I do want to see the pictures of the GC, but I think I am going to have to tell the people that are trying to be helpful that while I do want to see pictures and hear about the GC, sometimes it's hard for me to handle without falling apart. I have to figure out how to signal them that I'm happy to see the pictures but don't want to make it a repeat discussion of the whole mess, or even any discussion of EC. I would be happy to just focus on the GC. It's just another hard conversation to have...but what's new.
As far as moving, it's not really about the people that I was talking about. They are kind hearted family & friends. They would still be in contact with me, even if I moved. I just feel like I'm in a rut right now, feeling like I've been judged for a long time, still being judged, but now by different people. I just think being a little more anonymous would be kind of nice for a while. I guess that's why they make vacations, LOL! That's probably a better, or at least more realistic answer. As far as being inconvenient. It is no more inconvenient or costly to move, than to deal with the inconvenience of others expectations and cost of helping to fund their life and being left unappreciated. However, I know that this is not the time to make any major life decisions. It is the time to sit back & coast for a while. I don't do that well, but I will have to resist the urge to make rash decisions.
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Post by sovgrateful on Aug 12, 2016 17:35:00 GMT
Great idea about your making lists ast..it's much easier when "what's in your head" is down on paper.. Just recently I have estranged from a "friend" of 30 yrs standing..we emailed everyday..I was becoming increasingly irritated by her actions (I have written in detail about it here) so the last straw came for me recently..so I wrote an email more or less stating my position..she never answered it..much as I expected..She continues to write a comm. email to 2 others, me included..stating her everyday BS (lol) but of course she didn't have the backbone to write to me to defend or attempt to rectify the rift..just like family members in the past..these superficial people in our lives (that can cause us such grief and pain) just fizzle away, like Alka Selzer bubbles when addressed "honestly" by us.. So, in conclusion, WHY would or should we be investing anything in them (?) especially on a daily basis..and most especially if it's causing us distress.. I am so relieved now to be spared her negativity and nasty back biting about others..her constant distorting views..her very causal relationship with anything that involved the truth or being honest with me or others..it's amazing what we overlook because people are so called "friends" or family.. When we finally decide to take back control, and stop playing along..they run for the hills..and good riddance!
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Post by topiarystepmom on Aug 12, 2016 21:42:58 GMT
Astler - whenever you feel like you are being "judged", just consider the source of the judgement. These people aren't in the position to judge ANYBODY! Their own lives are generally a mess so judging yours makes them feel better. It's times like those that the words - NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS - can come in might handy!
@ Sograteful Did your email "friend" finally stop emailing you? If not, blacklist her email address - That will settle her hash!
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Post by astlyr on Aug 13, 2016 2:46:25 GMT
You guys are so right. The lists of what I'm willing to tolerate, want, etc are helping a lot. I refer back to my lists often, especially when I am feeling pressure to cave into being the old me that just sucked up whatever the more toxic & judgemental people in my life wanted to deal out. It reminds me that if I can't be totally strong, that I must at least try to remain steadfast in my resolve to not go backward. I think back to times when I thought I was happy, but I was just running faster on the treadmill, lest I make a mistake and be judged for failing to be June Cleaver, Mother Teresa, Joan Jett, and Indra Nooyi all wrapped into one.
I agree, the people judging usually have some of the biggest messes going on in their own life. I'm sorry to say I've been on both sides of that one. I really figured if I could pull myself up from where I started then why couldn't everyone. But the reality is that life is messy. It's messy on both sides of the tracks and I don't really think anyone really has that white picket fence life. Facebook is a perfect exaggeration of society. To the public it mostly gives the impression that everything is great, when in reality that's just a peek into their lives that they want you to see (not the mess behind the scenes), and on the flip side people are busy judging other people for everything & get themselves all wound up over things that aren't any of their business.
Sovgrateful, I would totally be setting up a rule that moves the "friend's" email to the trash folder, or at the very least to a folder where you can choose to deal with it or not at a later date. People really do hate it when you call them out on their BS. There was a time that family & close friends could call BS on one another and while it might not have been super pleasant, it did make the person that was getting called out reconsider how they were acting. Now days, the young people just get all pissy and bent out of shape that they act like someone kicked their dog and of course blame the person delivering the news that they are full of crap. (omg, LOL! - My mom's voice was coming out of my mouth when I just said those words). I do love your referring to BS as a "casual relationship with the truth." I will have to remember that next time I deal with some of the lying, backstabbing, succubuses in my life.
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Post by sovgrateful on Aug 13, 2016 2:50:14 GMT
She's the "friend" I mentioned above..she still writes as she emails another couple of innocents daily (one being her sister) whom she lies to frequently..I know as I was the only one "trusted enough" to hear the whole truth of her very mundane existence.. lol We don't write to each other personally now though..it's been about 2 months now..anyway life is much more pleasant now..
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Post by astlyr on Aug 13, 2016 3:28:45 GMT
It always makes me suspicious when someone says, "I'm only telling you because I trust you won't say anything." or "don't tell so & so". It always leaves me feeling they are making the same statements to other people and the subject of the dirt is just someone else in the circle of "friends", or maybe even myself. Maybe I'm jaded, but it triggers my BS meter, or should I say pot stirrer alert.
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Post by sovgrateful on Aug 13, 2016 20:01:12 GMT
You are not jaded astlyr, you are absolutely right. Now the really precious thing is: she continues to lie in her comm. mails, like today for example, she stated she and her husband have no where to live when there house is sold..knowing full well that I know she has purchased a new one (that's being built) I can only speculate the BS she has blown in my direction over the years..it's pathological..she enjoys lying..no one's asking her either, she just pumps em out for the joy of it all..I am so tempted to write back, spilling all her silly little can of beans..but I am too busy..and there's nothing in it for me! Lies backfire..they always do!
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Post by sovgrateful on Aug 13, 2016 20:02:30 GMT
"Their" auto correct!!
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