Just when you think you've got a handle on things - kaboom!

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please delete

  I feel your pain and am in a similar situation.  I just discovered ED2 is getting married in a beautiful destination wedding and I know my husband and I won't be invited.  ED1 is joyfully moving into what should be my place as her mother.  
Topiarystepmom's answer is completely correct.  They don't want us to know.  They don't care if they are hurting us.  Truthfully, I believe they enjoy it and when you have 2 entitled, spoiled ECs working together against you it is out of your control and a downward spiral.  They are going on with their life happily without us and we must force ourselves to move on with our lives.  They DON'T care about us and the faster you accept it the faster you can move on.  
  I am so sorry you are hurting.  I have weak days, myself, but refuse to let them steal the rest of my life, because they don't give a rat's *ss if I am dead or alive.  We are all in the same boat and the outcome is rarely what we want.  This group is always here for you, so keep posting.  Sharing and being supported has been my survival.  

I thought that ED2 and I were close prior to all of this. She changed dramatically once she lost 2 pregnancies back to back. It was very difficult. She didn't want anyone to know, but her behavior changed dramatically. I know too well that losing a pregnancy early on doesn't make it sting less, sometimes. I've experienced it myself and I found solace in knowing that realistically when it occurs early it's usually because there is something significantly wrong, and the child would not survive, which in my opinion would be a lot harder (again, just my opinion, not everyone's opinion). I tried to be sympathetic. I tried logic. I tried going with her wishes when She said that She didn't want to dwell on it. I tried to be supportive when I could tell that "not dwelling on it" wasn't working. I continually worried about her, but thought She had made her way through the grief, or at least was starting to. Then again you never know, maybe She really wasn't, as her whole demeanor changed from very positive and enthusiastic to sullen and moody. I know that She was grieving hard. I just didn't know what else to do besides make myself available if She needed me.

It was only after ED1 got a hold of her and started in with false accusations that She started to give us the cold shoulder. First her Dad, then me.

I am not saying that ED1 is the sole cause of ED2's estrangement. I know all too well that they both have minds of their own to take them down this road. However, I think that ED1 took advantage of ED2 during a time of need and obviously gave her something that She felt she needed and now influences her greatly. We are an easy target since they both think down deep we will always love them, always forgive them.  I'm not so sure that they should believe that any longer. Not to sound cold, but I don't know that I have that kind of forgiveness in me anymore.

While She didn't tell me directly that She was expecting, She made sure that some of our other AC knew and would tell us if needed, but I don't have to worry about that. I already knew. I've always gotten weird feelings about certain things and this was one of them. That combined with something that She said totally told me that She was probably pregnant. I got hints from our other kids, but then contacted her boyfriend who confirmed it. She posted it to facebook. They wanted us to know and they wanted us to be hurt by the news. 

I really would just like to get a chance to talk to both ED1 & ED2 as part of a rational conversation.

You see, I think that part of the reason that they are able to let this go on & on, and is the case for many estrangements is that our absence doesn't affect them deeply enough. We become reclusive, avoiding confrontation, not wanting to make it worse, not wanting to feed the narcissism, not wanting to prove them right. But let's face it, that makes it easy for EC to go on with their lives. They don't see the hurt they cause because they are doing this on their terms. In their view, they are freeing themselves, not losing something. So of course they don't care. It doesn't affect them the same way it affects us.

I will get through this, but I swear if I hear one word about how I prefer other GC over the one due to arrive or the ones that are with ED1, I will come unglued. I'm tired of being the bad guy, accused of not caring when EC prevent me from showing the depth of my love and caring.

I plan on hanging in there. I have waited for many things in my life. I can wait a little longer to see if the change in personality is temporary or permanent. I totally agree about brain chemistry changes being possible. I also think that given that right around the time that She probably found out She was expecting again she stopped all communication is at least partly due to concerns about stress causing pregnancy issues. She chose the lesser of 2 evils, stress from the family situation with her sister and seeing us deal with that, or cut off communication with us, so that She doesn't have to deal with that, just with the stress of being without parental support. She's an adult and has other people who can be supportive, so we are not essential. It was the easy & cautious choice to cut us out. I actually understand that. I don't agree with it, but I can see how that could be her thought process and I have empathy for it.

So I think I've come to the conclusion that I must continue to love both EDs. Maybe in a very different way that before because loving them doesn't mean letting them walk over me or degrade my character with their accusations. Loving them doesn't mean we have to have close or regular contact. It just means that I care for them, but I can't take care of them. I can't be responsible for their actions and feelings. They are adults with freewill. They make their own choices and like all of us, they must live with those choices. It's not just the dream of a close family that I mourn, but it's also letting go of the dream that I could somehow make my children's lives easier and better than my own. I tried, but I didn't. I couldn't because as adults they must make their own choices and live with the consequences of those choices. They are who I raised them to be, stubborn, independent thinkers, for better or worse.   Even if that means that they believe falsities and have gone astray because of it.

difficulttime2, I know that I will get through it. I also know that I built part of this mess, if nothing else I raised kids that have strong opinions. Sometimes that sucks when they don't jive with my own. I imagine it will be a long and winding road. I did think the worst of it was over, but something new seems to come along to trigger crappy emotions. But you are right there is time and I deserve to give myself plenty of it to figure out exactly how the future may look.